US dollar

 There are many schools of thought on the subject surrounding money and finances in a relationship.  Truth be told, it is really a conversation between the two people involved. Because money and finances are a domestic topic this too can be a form of abuse.  I want everyone to see how every aspect of what happens in someone's home can be turned into a form of control.  An abuser's goal is always to have power and control over their victim.  Financial abuse is one that is so pervasive.

Of course, all abusers do not use every form of abuse and violence against their victim, but I am a firm believer that if given a chance, the abuser will attempt to take control and manipulate their victim in every way possible.  There are a few ways this type of violence and abuse can play out. I am going to speak about some of my personal experiences with this.

Everyone has seen a show or even heard someone say, this is my money.  Even in a situation where there is a stay-at-home parent and the other is the breadwinner the abuser is going to manipulate the victim into thinking that taking care of the home, children and they is not a job and does not warrant being taken care of with the money earned by the breadwinner.  The abuser is going to go and buy things for themselves and ignore the needs of their intimate partner.  They are likely to say things like, I pay all of the bills in the house, so I am taking care of you. Please understand this as a manipulation tactic because paying bills is not taking care of a person. Paying bills is taking care of bills.  A person needs to feel secure, and they need things that are not part of the household bills. The thing about an abuser that wants to have power and control over a person is, the abuser will expect that their intimate partner begs for the basics like, deodorant, underwear, if it is a woman, sanitary products, makeup maybe some perfume. Begging for those things almost completely eliminates the victim from ever getting other things like, clothes and shoes.  The abuser does expect these things to be taken care of though.

An abuser wants to portray themselves and their home life as perfect.  They aim to have envious people around so they will still want their intimate partner to be put all the way together when they step out of the house as not to embarrass or make the abuser look bad.  In my family we love to celebrate each other so more often than not I would as an adult, take birthday or Christmas or Mother's Day money to get things to freshen up my wardrobe or to buy shoes or things that are truly the basics.  I was definitely being conditioned to not ask for or expect anything from the other person.

Now on the occasion that the victim works the abuser will also seek control and power over that money.  They will now stop paying for things there was no problem paying for before like snacks.  That seems like a small thing, but this is how calculating and insidious the abuse is. Now the victim still doesn't have money to pay for things for themselves because the abuser is going to beat into their head that now they are working they need to spend their check on the house. During this time, the abuser is now able to spend more money on their own pursuits or things to make the world think they are living high off the hog. They will pop up with expensive toys and deny their intimate partner access to those things and to any of their income. The victim is barely keeping their head above water while their abuser is out spending money on other people and themselves. No one outside of the relationship can even imagine this is what is happening because they are not in the home to see the truth.  Abuse is not just physical.

Financial abuse is one of the types of abuses that can carry on after the victim has gotten away from the abuser. This one can go hand in hand with the legal abuse.  The abuser is still going to do everything they can to bankrupt the victim or financially put them in a situation where it is hard to get out of while fighting in court.  Unfortunately, the USA legal system is a slave to the money so if the abuser has the money, they are able to get away with these abuses after the end of the intimate relationship because power and control are like a drug.  The abuser is getting somewhat of a high when they feel they have taken their victim down a notch.  It may be hard for those not involved to understand but not understanding does not mean it isn't happening.  I promise that if I can keep pushing forward anyone can.  I was chosen to go through this, and I am going through and picking up the lessons while leaving the baggage behind. You can do it also.