Keep It Sybil

Today I was having a conversation with a young lady and she says to me, "I found out something about myself that I didn't realize before.  I don't like it and I am not sure what to do about it".  With an opening like that, I was sitting on the edge of my seat to hear her story.  It was a really good one believe me.  I am not going to retell her story but I am going to give the basics. First of all, gaining awareness of an attribute that you were not aware of in yourself is a wonderful thing.  If it is an undesirable trait it may not seem like a good thing, at the time, but eventually you will see the treasure that you've uncovered.  Okay, to sum up our conversation she was told by a person she used to deal with, that basically she was too eager.  He told her that during the time that they dated, she was always planning things and insinuating herself into his space.  He advised her that she just didn't let things happen naturally.  She asked...

As Christmas is fast approaching I am visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and the future.  Even though my visits are not quite as Dickensian as one may hope, they are none the less, interesting to say the least.  The reason for my visits though are not to keep me from being a scrooge-they are to remind me of the wonderful life I have had up to this point.  So the past ghost is the one that has the most time and the most memories. The earliest memories I have of Christmas would be at the age of three, right before I was turning four years old.  We lived in Delaware and every Christmas, my parents would drive us out to this house on the outskirts of the city where the whole house would be lite up.  This house was so amazing even by today's standards.  They had so many lights that there was a collection box so that those who visited the home could drop in donations that would go towards the enormous electric bill the owners would receive after t...

Jay-Z said, "Have an affair, act like an adult for once".  Those words got me to thinking about having an affair.  An affair is really an adult thing to do and since I am 36 years old I figure that there is no time like the present.  So I set out to plan an affair.  It's not an easy process. Because an affair requires more than just you it takes coordination with the other person and you have to decide on a place and what the atmosphere will be like.  There were plenty of conversations being had and a list was made.  The time to execute the plan that would make my affair had arrived.  I was surprisingly calm in this situation.  I did all of my prep work and I was running a bit late for the agreed upon time for the rendezvous.  Other than that I was happy to be able to check, having an affair, off of my list of to-do's.  Here I go. I walk into the agreed upon location and I feel an immediate sense of accomplishment.  My first tha...

Love is always a hot topic.  There are literally millions of people everyday that ask questions about love.  Many people would probably say that love is elusive.  Others may say that love is a many splendid things.  Some may say that love is something that can do without.  Love makes the world go around! Love can be blind but in most cases, it is something that opens your eyes to so much.  As a child you look at your parents and get so upset that they have all of these rules and regulations.  Why do they have to get on your case so much and if they really loved you they wouldn't do 90% of the things they do to you.  As we get older and begin to see things from an adults eyes and maybe you have your own children and you have that aha moment that allows to understand how deeply  your parents really do love you.  Then you can understand the rules and why you weren't allowed to strap on your skates and jump out of that tree onto the roof o...

War, what is it good for?  Well the lyrics to the song say, "absolutely nothing", I don't believe in that personally.  Well, actually it depends on what you are going to war for.  Are you going to war to bring justice to a person that has been wronged?  This is a good reason.  Think about it, there are children in our country who are suffering because the big juggernaut of a medical field will not help ease the child's pain or give them medical attention if their parent is unfortunate enough as not to have any medical insurance. Another example of going to war would be the reason the President of the United States of America went to war over 10 years ago, for the control over another country's natural resources.  That for me is not a good reason to go to war.  This for me doesn't need any further explanation.  I can think of many other types of war but, I am actually wanting to talk about.  First let me give the definition of war that I am ...

Freedom from doubt is the definition of trust. This definition got me thinking about the things that people in general and me specifically have trust in. Of course th first thing that comes to mind is my trust in my savior and best friend Jesus Christ. That being said God is love so by extension I trust love. I trust that love will do exactly what it says it will do. I also trust that love is truth and therefore it may hurt you but it will always turn out the way it should in the end. One Sunday I went to church and I was feeling a little down on myself. So, I sat down with my deacon and a good church friend and discussed with them my thoughts. I explained allnof these scenarios and different circumstances to the both of them. I must say that I do trust and love love these two. Well they did what two friends would, they listened intently to all I had to say then they offered their advice. Very good advice is what they gave and while they spoke I listened intently to them. I...

I have been having an amazing few days. It's so funny how things can turn around so quickly. I am not sure where to begin so I will start from where I feel is the beginning. The beginning may seem like a long time ago but I will make sure it moves along fairly fast. I am going to take you back to 2006. This was a pivotal point in my life. November of the year 2006 was the month that I lost my aunt. She was the person that kept everyone in the family together. When it was Christmas, Easter, New Year's or any other holiday or time for celebration we all knew where to go. She would make sure that everyone felt special for whatever their special occasion was. When she died it took everyone aback. Personally, I didn't get out of my bed or talk to anyone for three days after my dad called and told me she was dead on that Monday morning. I don't remember the funeral except that it was hard being there. I knew that things would never be the same in my family ag...

The definition of disappointment is to fail to fulfill. That led me to think about where the failure stems from. Expectations are what leads to the wish of something that leads to the disappointment.Once I embraced this in my life I felt more at peace with myself. When I was younger I was rarely disappointed. That's because as a child I had my parents to depend on for everything. I have great parents so usually if I asked for or expected something they would fulfill that expectation. Then when I got pregnant I would depend on the child's father to fulfill my wishes. This stage of my life was riddled with disappointments. I had two babies and the father of the child did as close to nothing as possible.This should have been an eye-opener for me but it wasn't. I was able to move on but basically that meant moving to my next stage of disappointments; having another boyfriend. After being myself and being there for him I expected to be chosen. I expected that he would make me...

I am not the type of person that can quote from the Bible and give you book, chapter and verse so you can find it for yourself.  I can however, summarize what I know because I've studied.  Then it's up to each person to do their own due diligence on the topic.  Study to show thine own self approved.  This is one of the principals given in the Bible. What I have learned in my 36 years of life is that people say a lot of things.  Some people love to tell the "truth".  Then there are those who thrive on telling lies.  Some do both depending on which looks more favorably on them at the time.  I don't have any problems letting others know that I, as a Christian, try to fit into the first category of telling the "truth". Each person has their "truth".  To me this means that because I was raised the way I was raised, I am unique.  Everyone is unique within themselves as we are different people and we were all raised in different ways.  T...

Well I have just come to a realization that will help me move on to the next level of acceptance.  In my mind I am a very patient person.  I am able to wait on others now without blowing up about how long I've been waiting.  Being able to do that was so huge for me.  Oh did I pray about receiving this gift. God made us for Him, that means, to me, that he has a sense of humor.  We were made in His image and we would not have the capabilities of humor if it wasn't already existing within Him. This being said, when I prayed for patience, it was given to me after a very very trying time of trials.  So patience was given to me once I was able to put in the work I had to in order to prove I was ready.  I kept praying for other things since it was working so well (this was at the beginning of my faith).  Whoa there's a long road ahead of me. This brings me to now.  Wow!  I am still exercising my patience muscle.  I prayed for a very spec...

Love can be a splendid thing.  It can also be a horrible thing if you don't understand its true meaning.  I have decided a few things about love.  They are more like lessons are they weren't easy to learn at all.  I have been beaten, bruised and broken a few times in order to gain this perspective. Loving a person deliberately is one of the hardest decisions to make.  That means that you have stepped out on a limb and in spite of the fact that you could come out a loser, you see the worth in loving that person.  A family member is generally not someone you make this decision on.  Its more of a romantic love.  When you win in this one you win so big and that makes it all worth it. Allowing someone else to love you can also be a hard choice.  Most may think that you don't have any say so in how another person feels.  Well the truth is that when you allow a person to love you it opens you up to give that much more love.  So because s...

If you look up the definition of words you may find that what you thought was the meaning of a word is totally different from its actual meaning.  I love words!  I love learning new words and discovering their meaning.  I am having an extremely hard time in my life right now.  The more I try the harder things get.  Yesterday I was speaking with one of my cousins and I began telling her my feelings.  Though I never used the word betray with her I was up early tossing and turning.  This was due to a part of my current hard times.  Well the word betray continued to move around in my mind.  Finally I said let me look up the definition of this word. This word that seems to only be used in extreme cases of dishonesty and disloyalty.  Because the only time I hear or read that word is under extreme conditions I thought that would be part of the definition.  The definition I always worked with in my mind is extreme dishonesty/disloyalty....

When I started this blog I was doing it because I just have a passion for writing.  I have been writing and making my cousin read my stuff since we were 9 years old.  As time progressed I realized that I had feelings and emotions that I really wanted to get out.  I want to help others use their voice or maybe they just need help finding their voice.  My blog has begun to evolve into that tool for me. For so many years I have been the peacemaker, the voice of reason, the one that others could count on.  All of these things are good if they are true to the person that you are.  Once I began to do as The Bible told me to do and examine myself I realized that I wasn't entirely happy in all of those roles.  I was like the sad clown with a smile painted on; misery was my constant friend. Now the change I began to make with myself caused my oldest friend to make statements toward me that weren't true or even warranted.  I was extremely hurt by her word...

Lately I have been thinking a lot about death. And not really in a morbid way just contemplating the complexities of death. Even though I am close to 40 years old, I haven't experienced an extreme amount of up close death. My first real experience with death came when I was 7 years old. My family and I was living in Okinawa, Japan during that time. I can't really remember how I used to get home after school but I do remember the day both of my parents picked my sister and I up from school. It was certainly out of the ordinary for this to happen and they didn't look very happy. We walked out of school in virtual silence and then they told us grandpa died and we have to go to Texas. I didn't understand right away because I was looking forward to seeing my family, it had been almost two years since playing with my childhood cousins. For that I was excited. Plus it meant being out of school for two weeks. I slept through most of my grandfather's funeral on tha...

Yesterday was my parents 40th anniversary. Yep 40 years of marriage and they are still going. The days leading up to their anniversary it got me thinking about my life. Well more accurately my love life. Why has the institution of marriage alluded me? Do I have enough information to answer this question? Maybe I do and maybe I don't but I gave it that old college try. I did my math and I started dating when I was 16 years old. The boyfriend I had when I turned 16 and went on my first date with was a nice guy. He really liked me and I did him dirty to be with my next boyfriend. This guy was not such a nice guy. He had his nose and ears pierced. He smoked and had a kid. He was completely wrong for me but I didn't see it then. There would come the time that we break up and eventually he grabbed me in a parking lot and shoved me into the backseat of his car because he found out I had a new boyfriend. Well, surprise, this boyfriend was not any better than the last one. He would how...

According to the Word, the first two commandments tell us that first we must love Him with everything we are and then we must love our neighbors as we love ourselves and in doing these two things we are following His commandments. Love is an action word and for me the fact of the matter is is that actions speak louder than words. Therefore showing has been my main method of letting a person know that I love them. It has been bought to my attention that actions fall short without the words. This is really a revelation in my eyes. So what is love? There have been and still are people that ruminate over this question. What is love? I have wondered if you can truly love an inanimate object because you aren't able to get any feelings back from it. I have said and most people say that they love things that can't love them back; I love these shoes, I love this movie, I love this song. If love is a feeling it's something that makes your spirit smile and gives you joy and makes you...

I have a confession to make. It's funny because telling a secret or making a confession is a very hard thing yet once it's done that weight has been lifted and you feel a little lighter. That being said confession is just good for the soul. I know that the devil is trying his best to keep me from obtaining my destiny and this confession is getting ready to shame him because he is a liar and he will not kill or destroy me. I am taking back the power I gave him in this situation. I just had a birthday and I turned 36. I love when my birthday comes around. This year was no difference. Actually, it was a lot better than it has been in years. Partially because I spent my day getting to know a new person in my life but mostly because I have been getting to know myself. This is my real-life confession. I didn't begin to feel good about myself until I was in my 30's--I was around 32 actually. I had the most negative self-talk a person could have. My self-esteem and self-imag...

I have been forced to look in the mirror at myself. This means the physical, psychological mirror. Oh my goodness, that is really a tough undertaking. What was I thinking? I wasn't necessarily thinking about anything except clearing my head and getting on with my life. Wow how did things get so beautifully messy? I am not sure how it got this way or even how I should straighten it out; but I will make the first step to clean it up. When I look in the physical mirror there are so many aspects of the reflection that don't make a whole lot of sense to me. Until I was the age of of about 22 I was slim--with a butt, hips and thighs. Then I begun taking some medication and gained about 70 pounds in 4 months. That was a huge blow to me. I couldn't figure out what to do about it. Over the next few years I gained about 30 more pounds. The little bit of self esteem and self worth I had was completely shot. I couldn't stand up for myself and I fell for a lot of crap. ...

Alright, my life has taken an unexpected turn in the past couple of months. So much has happened I am not even sure where the turn was or if it was for the good or the bad. I am reminded that in order to get to the other side of anything that you must go through first. That means there is a beginning, a middle and an end. The beginnings would be that I have gained a completely new understanding of myself. In the past I didn't mind being alone. In fact I loved to spend time by myself. This wasn't because I was comfortable with myself but that I was so incredibly uncomfortable with other people. Now that I am older I spend time with myself and truly enjoy the person I am. Now that I am comfortable with myself, I am fine with being around others. I want to be around other people now but the years I have spent alone hasn't taught me how to become friendly with others. I am dealing with this issue though so I am able to socialize with any type of person. I am turning ...