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Intentionallly unintentional!

Yesterday was my parents 40th anniversary. Yep 40 years of marriage and they are still going. The days leading up to their anniversary it got me thinking about my life. Well more accurately my love life. Why has the institution of marriage alluded me? Do I have enough information to answer this question?

Maybe I do and maybe I don't but I gave it that old college try. I did my math and I started dating when I was 16 years old. The boyfriend I had when I turned 16 and went on my first date with was a nice guy. He really liked me and I did him dirty to be with my next boyfriend. This guy was not such a nice guy. He had his nose and ears pierced. He smoked and had a kid. He was completely wrong for me but I didn't see it then. There would come the time that we break up and eventually he grabbed me in a parking lot and shoved me into the backseat of his car because he found out I had a new boyfriend. Well, surprise, this boyfriend was not any better than the last one. He would however be the one that would change my life for ever.

The change was the eventual birth of my children. This didn't change the fact that he was bad news and that fact still remains almost 20 years later. Even though there were two children that resulted from this relationship it only lasted about 2 years. He was horrible for me. I chilled for a while after that one but then the next guy was great. The only problem with him was that he ran very quickly when he found out that I had feelings toward him. This guy will show back up again later on in my life. He was a good guy with serious emotional hang-ups that I felt he could get beyond but that was the lie I told myself. I would chill out after him for a while again.

Next up the guy I was with for 6 years. I thought he was a great guy. It wasn't all in my imagination however there were certainly ways that he treated me that were sooooo wrong and some that were sad that I accepted as part of my life. When that was over I didn't think I would ever want to have another boyfriend. It may have taken another 5 years but that did change. Re-enter the guy with emotional issues.

He comes back after a failed marriage to an Asian stripper. I know shocking that that relationship didn't work huh? I did allow myself to get close to him again and I can't say I regret it I can say that if I could go back I wouldn't do it again. Well technically he wasn't my boyfriend but he allowed me to realize that I could like a guy again. Problem, it didn't seem as though any guys liked me. Now I would like to like a guy that likes me back. How do I accomplish that?

So that brings me to my current life. I was the type of person that would hold on to things because of sentimentality. Well my house catching on fire took care of that little problem for all of the things from the past boyfriends except for the emotional issues guy. Fortunately, I realized this pattern and the day after he and I were done I headed to the post office and mailed back to him anything that belonged to him and got rid of anything he may have given me. That felt so good and so free and that lead me to realize that there was nothing between us and no reason for me to ever speak with him or have anything else to do with him in my life. It gave me a feeling of being free from the past. I can't even conjure up a picture of his face in my mind any longer. There is a face that I can picture though.

I do currently have a boyfriend and even though it is early in our relationship I have my ears and eyes open. I am wiser now and things are definitely different with me this time around. I am going to remain the person that I am and not try to be what I think he is looking for which is what I discovered was a pattern for me. I want him to know the real me and I have been giving him a very accurate representation of who I am. I hope he is doing the same. This I know is what can lead to the love that I desire in my life. We all have the ability to change if we know what we are in need of changing.

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