Keep It Sybil

Today I truly rested and hung with my kid so I only have a reminder. Stop judging! Thank you

 Today is going to be about awareness for another personal awareness for the month of October.  There a few for this month but right now I want to talk about breast cancer.  I have not had to battle breast cancer myself but I have watched others in their battle.  I have seen it from a few different angles so today I am going to share a little. If you have been following me or if you know me personally, you know I come from a large extended family. My mother had 5 sisters when she was born; she is the youngest girl. My mother and 2 of her sisters are still living. My mother's oldest sister was more like the head of the family after my grandfather passed away in 1983. She was the glue that held eveyone together. Her siblings called her Sister and the rest of us called her Bigma. Bigma was more like my grandmother figure. Bigma would call me 30 miles away just to pick things up from the store for her and drop them off; regardless of how many other people were at her hou...

When I made a commitment to myself at the beginning of this month to shed light on domestic violence, I felt a bit shaky.  After about the 4th day, I loosened up.  I also made a few realizations.  I knew that my voice was needed for this subject.  I knew I needed to speak on the toes of abuse that get ignored.  I realized I must speak about the little acts of violence that get a blind eye turned to it.  I also knew that there are people in the midst of it that may not know but my words may encourage them to take a look. Having these realizations have me the courage to speak up.  I know there are people watching me that mean me harm and I made peace with that. I have a calm over me that hasn't been there on so long at first it was hard to fully feel.  There was a time my anxiety was so high I had to soak to my doctor about raising the dosage of my anxiety meds.  I currently have no idea when the last time was that I took them. It's not to say ...

 Social media is the gift and the curse.  The gift is that your family and friends can update their lives at the touch of a few keys whenever they want.  They can share the things they thought were interesting or important from that day. They are able to share parts of themselves regardless of the good and bad, where they are located or the time of day. The funny thing about a lot of gifts is that there is also a cursed attached to them. The curse of social media is that your family, friends and anyone else online can update their lives at the touch of a few keys whenever they want.  They can share the things they thought were interesting or important from that day. They are able to share parts of themselves regardless of the good and bad, where they are located or the time of day. Yes, the gift is the curse, and the curse is the gift.  This has allowed a semi- free exchange of ideas. Of course, this means that people can present themselves as an expert on topic...

 Because healing is a big part of what is happening in my life right now, I am going to take care of my mental health today and talk about a little bit of what I have been doing.  I realize that this will look different for everyone but there can always be something learned from someone going through the same type of things you are going through.  This is going to be a bit fragmented but here it goes. About 5 and a half years ago, I realized that there was a major problem with my relationship.  By nature, I am an inquisitive person and I love to do research so this is where I would begin.  I basically, began to examine all aspects of myself and my partner. Doing this I realized that there was nothing loving come from him towards me. Because I don't think this can only be a one-sided issue, I start to examine myself.  My Dad drilled that into my head, examine yourself.  I set out to do just that. Was I being loving towards my partner? This was the first...

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine; this little light of mine, I 'm gonna let it shine; this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.  I think everyone knows the lyrics to this song.  It is an uplifting song to say the least.  That is until you really think about it. My dad, years ago, made me think about this through a sermon. Saying something is little is usually never a compliment. Oooh look at your little car, your little house is cozy, that little bag is adorable, all of these examples are like giving a backhanded compliment.  Placing little in front of something is about minimizing that thing instead of giving it the full attention it deserves.  It is keeping the person in possession of the thing in their place, of sorts. It is a way to keep the other person small. A person that tries to keep your light little is not one that has your best interest. There is enough darkness in the world that eve...

 There are many schools of thought on the subject surrounding money and finances in a relationship.  Truth be told, it is really a conversation between the two people involved. Because money and finances are a domestic topic this too can be a form of abuse.  I want everyone to see how every aspect of what happens in someone's home can be turned into a form of control.  An abuser's goal is always to have power and control over their victim.  Financial abuse is one that is so pervasive. Of course, all abusers do not use every form of abuse and violence against their victim, but I am a firm believer that if given a chance, the abuser will attempt to take control and manipulate their victim in every way possible.  There are a few ways this type of violence and abuse can play out. I am going to speak about some of my personal experiences with this. Everyone has seen a show or even heard someone say, this is my money.  Even in a situation where there is a st...

The more time that lapses, the more things I am able to see.  I am very hard on myself sometimes when I look at how many things I didn't see or turned a blind eye to.  I am not responsible for anyone else's actions, but I am responsible for allowing those actions to continue where they pertain to me.  I don't feel ashamed but on some days I do not feel great about myself.  In the beginning those days were frequent; now very rare. It is still better than I felt for the greatest duration of that relationship. I now understand that I was not listening to my intuition.  That was a shame because I have strong intuition.  In fact, when I am in tune with it, I have over a 98% rate of being correct.  Just a little back story.  I was pursued online.  Looking back, I am sure that because I speak about everything, that person looked over my profile and could easily see that I was a Christian and a person that was all about my family.  These were th...

 There are so many seemingly, little things that are actually a part of a large-scale abuse.  The reason being, a sane person in their right mind, would not stick around if the first abuse was being stabbed in the back.  I am only now beginning to understand this and look back to see the things that I gave an excuse for or just plain let slide. I can honestly say that growing up and to my late 20'ss, I thought that all monsters were murders or equally as despicable. There are definitely tv shows and movies where there is a villain.  The person plotting to bring down a corporation or some other large-scale thing. Rarely was there a plot of one human being planning and doing everything they could to destroy a person unless that person had done something to their family beforehand. In my naivety I could not imagine someone that would seek out another person and lull them into a sense of security only to try everything possible to drag that person down or even attempt to...

 I want to talk a little about the one type of abuse that everyone associates with domestic violence physical. The thing about physical abuse is the same as other type of abuse, there are step ups.  When an abuser is leading up to physical abuse, they are usually not going to start at picking up a bat and beating you.  It is going to start off with a "love tap" or just smalls ways to make you physically uncomfortable.  Power and control are always the goal. Throwing anything at another person that is not engaged in a sports game of some sort could be the beginnings of physical abuse. Instead of handing you the car keys maybe they toss them at you.  The toss is forceful, and it smarts a bit when it hits your hand because you were not aware that it was coming towards you. I have said this before and I will say it again, accountability is not one of the things that an abusive person understands. They will proceed to enact other forms of abuse like mental/psychologi...

 I had a different post in mind today and then my oldest kid called me.  He is 30 years old and a husband and a father. He was raised by a whole village of people including me who was his teen mom. I definitely did the best I could but without people like my parents and others stepping into the gap his understanding of life could have been drastically different. I am forever grateful for all of the village. I raised my older kids in an environment where there wasn't yelling, calling names or negativity in general.  That isn't to say that there were no adverse effects of being raised by teenaged parents that were not together because there certainly were many. What was not a part of life with me was spanking and I let my kids express themselves, respectfully, to me.  They, like me were not raised in an abusive environment.  My parents didn't yell or even raise their voices at each other.  Furthermore, there were no constant relationships that we saw that had...

 There are a few things I know about myself.  I am not a big talker, but I love to talk.  I know those two things may seem like they are in opposition, but they are not. When I am comfortable, nee safe around people, I will talk all night long. I love to receive information and share information, laugh, giggle and everything in between. I am not a person that likes to sit around and talk just because it is something to do. Enjoying something doesn't mean you do it all of the time.  Doing it all of the time can sometimes make you lose interest in it. I never want that to happen. Because communication is a big thing to me I do it effectively and efficiently. Having a conversation is a way of sharing a piece of yourself with other people. That being said, today I am going to talk about ignoring a loved one. Ignoring a person, you claim to love, is a manipulation and it is abusive. There are studies that show that the "loved one" being ignored is feeling the equivalent o...

 I can remember being about 3 or 4 years old and being with my auntie mom in Columbia.  It was her, my cousins, her three kids, my sister and me. We were heading into the mall. Her youngest son is under 1 so she has to get him out of the car and the other 4 of us would be 3,4, 6,7 so we basically know to get out of the vehicle.  Us older girls stand by the car and wait for my aunt to get her son out of the car before we proceed to walking towards the store.  It was just a regular summer afternoon. My aunt was a teacher, so my sister and I spent many a summer with her.  I can distinctly remember an older white woman, my aunt was in her early 30's, she was maybe in her early 50's, walk up to my aunt as we begin walking towards the mall entrance and the first thing she does is smile. She then says something about how well-behaved those kids are.  She thought she was giving my aunt a compliment.  It wasn't another 40 years before I spoke with my aunt about...

 Instead of only talking about things related to domestic violence on this post I decided to talk about anti-abuse. I feel like all of the research and healing and navigating through abuse that I have done, I am an expert on what abuse is made up of.  In math if 10 is divided by 5 equals 2, the reverse is true whereas, 5 multiplied by 2 equals 10.  Its absolute fact is what I love about math actually.  Being an expert at what is abuse means that I am an expert about anti-abuse also.  That's what I want to talk about today. My dad was a fantastic father. According to my mother he was also a fantastic husband.  According to my cousins he was a fantastic uncle and according to my aunts and uncles, he was a fantastic brother-in-law. My dad said what he meant and meant what he said.  He too was an absolute type of person; there was black and white, and I was in my mid- to late 30's before he realized he should understand that other people operated in the gr...

 I am a knowledge seeker.  I love to learn new things.  Not only do I love to learn new things, but I also love to share the knowledge I have with those seeking the same type of information I have.  My constant search for information plus the fact that I have an excellent memory means that I know a little about a lot of things. I wouldn't say I am a no-it-all because I don't try to force my information on others or try to outsmart anyone with the information I have.  That being said let me share a few things I haves learned after I was freed from a horrible situation. 1. Always stand up for yourself. 2.  Anyone not willing to stand up for you is not for you. 3.  Family isn't only about blood. 4.  Support shouldn't be conditional. 5.  Trust your gut. 6.  Your heart and your gut are connected. 7.  Inner beauty is important. 8.  Some things aren't worth fighting for. 9.  Anything could be worth fighting for. 10. Love is a won...

 The saying, hindsight is 20/20 is a real thing.  Nothing is as clearer that it is true as when a person has escaped a life of being abused. There are little things that on their own may not be an issue but when they are put all together equal one big no-no.  None of the examples I am going to offer should be taken as a written rule but as something to look at with a more discerning eye. In some states these things can be used if you have proof of them as a type of abuse in your dissolution of marriage case, it is called coercive control. Coercive control is what is used by extreme manipulators to dominate another person through intimidation, authority or force without regard for that person's desires to gain control. These are very very small acts, so they are almost imperceptible.  A couple months ago I was hanging out with my cousin. We were about to cook dinner but needed a few things from the store.  When we got there, he told me to stay in the car.  H...

This type of violence when pertaining to domestic violence is very divisive. I would even say the most divisive of all the forms of violence. I believe the problem people have with this is that they cannot conceive what this would entail with in a relationship. It is certainly more understandable when outside of a domestic situation.  Not having any knowledge of, or understanding does not make it nonexistent. This type of thinking is the reason that it is woefully under reported.  That and the fact that these types of cases are rarely convicted so that leaves the abuser in a fury and they are more than likely still living with their victim. The sheer terror of reporting something that can't be substantiated and then the abuser being let go is a recipe for causing unthinkable abuse. Also, I would imagine makes the abuser feel invincible because now their victim looks like they are filing false reports, and the abuser can use this in the future.  They would say things like,...

We probably all know someone that was diagnosed with cancer or we ourselves had to battle cancer. I am the filling in a breast cancer sandwich.  My mom is a breast cancer survivor and so is my daughter. I have not had to fight that fight.  I stood close by while my daughter fought.  The chemotherapy and the radiation treatments were tough.  I used to cry and pray that God would just take it away because there was absolutely nothing I could do to help. I could only be a support. What I found was that once the radiation treatment was done and then there was a lumpectomy done, that wasn't the end.  Sure, the doctor will let their patient know that they no longer have the cancer cells and tell them, we will see you in six months so we can continue to monitor your progress.  Now the fact that the cancer has been removed does not mean the treatment stops.  The cancer remains such a threat that there can still be a cocktail of medications required.  Esse...

With this post I would like to share a story.  The purpose of this story is to hopefully help someone to understand a little bit about life after domestic violence. I also want to say that there is no way to look at a person and tell if they are domestic violence survivor.  It could be your doctor, the judge, the cashier at the grocery store. This would be equally true about an abuser. Neither of these people have a look or a certain personality while out in public. Remember, this is almost, wholly an issue that exists within the confines of that person's home. How well the blend in with normal society bares no evidence of their domestic behaviors. Storytime, but first a little background. I was injured during a domestic violence situation. I did all I could to heal but none worked.  I ended up having to have surgery to do the repairs.  I am still healing.  I dealt with daily pain of the injury for 17 months before I had the surgery.  The healing process is...

 As toddlers, our parents will teach us through repetition.  Ma ma, ma ma, da da, da da, wa wa.... I don't think most parents even think about what they are doing specifically.  In general, they know they are teaching their children words and ways to communicate.  ABCDEFG... probably the next phase of teaching by repetition, at least intentionally. The unintentionally teachings are not even thought through. Let's think about it though, behaviors are being taught also.  Some parents may teach their kid how to turn on their favorite cartoons on the weekends, so they don't come barreling into their room and wake them up early on a Saturday or Sunday morning.  It is a pretty common thing for some 3- or 4-year-olds to do this because they have been taught this behavior through repetition. Teaching through repetition doesn't stop there. Once the child starts school in some form, pre-school, kindergarten, Montessori, the teacher is also teaching through repetition...

I have come to realize that people love to judge a person with no basis or understanding of that person's situation. I didn't always see things that way but now it's very clear. Aside from maybe, fraud,  there is no other crime where the victim is blamed as quickly and as harshly as a domestic violence survivor. The lack of knowledge on the crime is what leads to this phenomenon.  Anyone, in spite of,  race, age, color, level of education, lack of beauty, abundance of beauty, geographical location and so on and so forth,  can become a victim of domestic violence. Being a victim doesn't mean that somehow the person isn't smart enough to leave or they are dumb for becoming a victim. The one and only factor of domestic violence that should be judged is the abuser.  The most important piece of information I want to get across is that,  there are no words that can be said, or any actions made that causes a victim to be abused.  The abuser and their lack of ...

October is domestic violence awareness month. Having a certain month declared as awareness month for a particular cause is not enough, in and of itself, to effect change. In fact, even having a specific ribbon does nothing if there isn't a widespread campaign against the issue.  This is the case for domestic violences. The vast majority of the US population associates domestic violence with physical violence.  The more insidious forms of abuse are wholly unrecognizable or spoken about when the subject of domestic violence is brought up.  We have all see reports on television or read articles where there is a person that has been killed by a spouse or domestic partner and the person being interviewed says, I never saw that person with any bruises or broken bones.  They most likely say of the abuser, that person was a very nice person, I would have never seen this coming, they seemed like a happy couple. Or any variation of this story from those living outside of the h...