October is domestic violence awareness month. Having a certain month declared as awareness month for a particular cause is not enough, in and of itself, to effect change. In fact, even having a specific ribbon does nothing if there isn't a widespread campaign against the issue. This is the case for domestic violences.
The vast majority of the US population associates domestic violence with physical violence. The more insidious forms of abuse are wholly unrecognizable or spoken about when the subject of domestic violence is brought up. We have all see reports on television or read articles where there is a person that has been killed by a spouse or domestic partner and the person being interviewed says, I never saw that person with any bruises or broken bones. They most likely say of the abuser, that person was a very nice person, I would have never seen this coming, they seemed like a happy couple. Or any variation of this story from those living outside of the home. The abuser is always the focus of these types of stories.
Let's look at the words, domestic violence for a little understanding. The definition I like for domestic is, devoted to home life or household affairs. The definition for violence has a couple that would apply in this situation. Violence: an unjust or unwarranted exertion of force or power; rough or immoderate vehemence, as of feeling or language. When you put both of these words together then domestic violence would be exertion of power and/or force through rough vehemence with feelings or language towards a person living in the same household. Domestic violence is not only about the physical violence.
Now let's go back to my example of speaking with neighbors or even friends and family that do not live in the same household as the abuser and the victim. There is very little, if any, that any of these outsiders can offer in the way of the domestic violence. Yet, people are still more likely to question the victim's truth over the 10 people saying the abuser was a great girl/guy. People living outside of the household have no idea what happens in the household. Sure, they can hear stories from the abuser or the victim but that doesn't give firsthand information of the situation or even that what is being told to them is the truth. Because I have knowledge of how this works, the victim is most likely to talk of only the good things or when something is off, they may ask a friend or family member, am I overreacting? The friend or family member will likely say something like, oh you know how they are just ignore them. That person is unwittingly playing into the tactic of the abuser and the mental/psychological abuse they are inflicting upon their victim. The abuser is definitely gaslighting their victim which is a form of violence. Now, the abuser is most likely going to be the one talking badly about their victim. That person is crazy, that person is the b word, that person is worthless, that person is lazy, that person is a loser, or many variations of trying to denigrate the other person's character in an effort to uplift themselves. Of course, those on the outside believe this because they only have great interactions with the abuser. They can't imagine that this person turns into a completely different person when they step over the threshold of their domicile. That's by design.
Domestic violence that ends in a death is the final step of abuse. The other forms of abuse are being used before that level is reached. It is almost never heard of that an abuser kills as the first act of violence. At the least, the abuser has yelled horrible things at their victim on a regular basis. Yes, that is a form of violence. Most abusers are about being in control so there is no way they are going to just be yelling at their victim outside of their household because they understand that it is a violent act, and they are making sure that no one outside of their household can even imagine them raising their voice. There are so many things that people don't associate with violence acts, but they are being used by the abuser to control their victim. For the next 30 days I will talk about all forms of abuse and violence. There is a reason that the majority of victims never report their abuser.
Domestic abuse survivors have been victimized but that doesn't mean that telling their story is about playing the victim. We must stop questioning the victim as to why they didn't do what you think you would do if you were in their situation. As a black woman, I know that I can never understand being a white woman. As a person that has never been in the sad and unfortunate victim of domestic violence there is no way that you will ever know what it is being a domestic violence victim/survivor. We can all still learn lessons through what we have no experience with by listening to those who have.
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