Keep It Sybil

I set out to do an end of the year wrap up and while I was organizing my thoughts, a few things came to mind. Today is, the last day of the month, the last day of the year and the last day of the decade... phew! I decided, I must go ahead and wrap all of those things up.  First up December 31, 2019. This month has been filled with so many ups and downs in my personal life.  I haff such a victorious November I would never have imagined this month ending on such a sour note.  Unfortunately, I had so many trials and negativity thrown at me that today,  I have found it hard to even stand up for myself.   I remember speaking those words to one of my closest cousins and the breath she inhaled was so sharp, I could hear her heart breaking for me. I am the one that stands up for everyone else and fights. I am on a sabbatical from that right now.  Adios December 2019, I will not miss you.  Next up the year of 2019. Refer to the previous paragraphs and appl...

Today I find myself faced with a window and a mirror.  The issue most of us have is, we would prefer to stand in front of the window. Let's be real,  the window offers more possibilities; or does it?  My mirror cousin called to check up on me today. I call her that because at various points of life we had certain situations that were basically the same. Also,  if I am on some bs she well blow my skirt up.  I do my best to keep myself surrounded by this type of person actually.  I, like many others,  hate to look too long in the mirror. The window has the ability to change what I see; the mirror only has one view.  So, my cousin didn't have to call me on any bs today but she asked me a question that, when looking in the mirror would have a different answer than gazing out the window.  Because I didn't ask her if she was ok with my blogging our conversation I won't give specifics just a general idea. If asked a question about life choices would...

As the end of the year creeps closer it brings up so many memories for me.  I feel like I shared this memory a bit before but I am going to do a little more.  The holidays and growing up.  For the first almost 6 years of my life my parents,  sister and I lived in Dover,  Delaware in base housing on the air force base.  My mom's stride of the family lived in its entirety almost,  in either Charleston or New York; Delaware sits almost right in the middle.  We did tons of traveling back and forth. This fact is the reason I have several cousin sisters and cousin brothers. We grew up together,  we loved each other and fought each other like siblings.  We also grumbled together about whichever adult was getting on our nerves at the time.  Honestly, when I was that young I don't remember Thanksgiving as the big family holiday the way it was once I became a teen. Christmas through New year was our time.  My parents drove us around to l...

It just struck me...I have been living life like all is well and here are no struggles in my life.  This is not a correct depiction of my current life.  I definitely know people may be looking into my windows at the well-put together room and feel that is the whole picture.  Well, this may be a shock to some but stop looking into people's windows thinking everything is perfect. If I could be honest, this is the way most of us are raised.  It's the reason that we all know that we have someone in our family that is a habitual liar, a thief, a womanizer, a drug dealer, a drug addict and so many other things that we don't allow to be spoken in public forums.  I have heard and told the line, "what happens in our house stays in our house" several times through out my life.  The set-up of living a farce starts much earlier than we can even comprehend beyond our nose. Of course I don't believe that it is done to be nefarious but out of protection of your home, ...

I have made a vow to myself to tell my truths.  I do draw a line at telling parts of my story that may infringe on someone else's rights or incriminate them in any way; Also, if I know they would just rather me not talk about them. This is why I very rarely mention my husband or our minor kids, it's a respect thing. When I was a young girl, I can't say that I envisioned my life to be what it is presently.  That's to say, as a girl growing up in the 70's and 80's, I didn't dream of being someone's wife and people's mother.  I wanted to be me.  I wanted to write and be a psychiatrist,  those were my dreams.  Being young was wasted on me. I became a mother 2 times over then years and years later, I became a wife and a mother again.  I wholeheartedly threw myself into those roles.  I regret nothing. As I grew older I just became more of who I am.  I have a secret though that I share only with a few.  Not because I am ashamed but,  bec...

The very first time I met my husband something inside was different.  I didn't see my future without this man in it. I immediately knew he was my person. I made several decisions based on the love I felt for him from my head to my toes. That was over eight and a half years ago. Lots of time to look back. People often ask for "The Proposal Story".  I never hesitate to say, well,  there never was a proposal. We were on a cruise and out to dinner after he angered me.  He says to me,  something like we should get married on Christmas. I must have been looking at him like he was crazy and he then says something like will that be good for me,  I say yes and we have dinner and finish our cruise.  It was August 2012. There was no ring or any pomp and circumstance.  I loved him and wanted to share our lives so I was fine.  We didn't tell many people. My dad was in a rehabilitation center so we told them as soon as we got back and could get there to c...

As I was driving today and listening to some old school hip hop, the artist referred to a woman as a b#%*h. That punched me in the gut in a way that it never has. When I have a strong reaction to anything I check myself.  Why had the wind been knocked out of me? One important thing to know about me is that I am proud to be a member of the black community.  I love black women and I absolutely adore black men. As I sit with this thought I realize what an uphill battle it has been and at times, still is, for me to truly support black men.  Don't worry black man,  I am a black woman and we are the strongest group on this planet so,  I will continue to be devoted to and supportive of the black man. So, I have been cheated on too many times to count.  It is such a deep hurt to feel you are being good to another person and doing all you can to have a successful relationship.  I don't believe the guys ever thought about that and how deeply it hurt my self-wo...

I used to be one of those people who believed that you get back what you put out. I knew the universe would send you what you needed if you made it known.  Yes,  I still believed in God and that he did take care of the major things like waking us up in the morning.  The rest of the day was on me though.  Over the years I pulled further and further away from these beliefs. I pulled away, not because I no longer thought that; because I had begun manifesting my thoughts.  I was being introduced to people that were able to help me see my goals. I pulled away because I let other people take up the space that was once occupied by my thoughts for my future and my plans. It's taken me a while to get myself back but, I'm here. I strayed so far away I couldn't even remember what made me special. I am a writer that didn't write. I am a teacher that didn't teach.  I am a healer that was overcome by pain. I was lost to the world. My voice was no longer being heard; it...

One thing that has remained the same about me since I was about 7 years old, I am an Hip Hop Head.  Unapologetically immersed in the hip hop culture.  The modern music is not necessarily my cup of tea so I am thankful for my Tidal subscription.  I also miss interviewing different artists and getting to learn more and ask questions about their goings-on.  These things coupled together have me doing the writer's equivalent of digging in the crates. R.I. P. Sean Price, this interview was a great one and Sean had a great personality and as a music artist I loved him and the time I spent speaking with him remains one of my favorite.  Please enjoy! Boot Camp Clik Sybil:    Who is part of the Boot Camp Clik now? Tek:    Boot Camp Clik is actually- Shrayne, Louisville and Top Dawg, that’s O.G.C. Origanoo Gun Clappers, then there’s Black Moon which is Buckshot, Evil Dee Beatminerz and then it’s Heltah Skeltah which is Ruck and Rock an...

Just for fun leading up to my birthday: 44 Facts about me 1. I was born in Dover, Delaware. 2.  I am the youngest child of my parents. 3.  I have over 40 1st cousins on my mom's side. 4.  I rarely spoke until I was about 15 years old. 5.  I won a writing contest when I was 9 years old. 6.  I can count in 3 languages other than English 7.  I used to sleep with my eyes open. 8.  My favorite musical group is New Edition. 9.  My favorite genre of music is hip hop. 10. I love country music. 11. I have lended my voice to a few songs. 12. I correlate songs to certain times in life. 13. I rarely wear my favorite color. 14. I rarely pay full price for clothing. 15. I wanted to be a psychiatrist until high school. 16. I love math. 17. Reading/writing are equally my favorite things in life. 18. I collect shot glasses. 19. I have never worn a weave. 20. I can not put contact lenses in my eyes. 21. I drank a Pepsi almost everyday I was in...

Happy new year to you, reading this post.  I have never been the type to make a resolution for the new year. This year is no different.  Every day I am able to wake up and my husband and kids and family are doing well I try to be better than the me I was the day before.  As I get older,  this task becomes more monumental. In my early twenties,  I had two children already and I tried my best to be a better parent each day.  There were days I succeeded and days I failed completely.  I know I can't go back in time so I make peace with the twenty- something me and continue forward.  That's part of me being a better me. In my thirties,  I realized I must look inside of myself and be honest.  Telling hard truths or making the hard decisions was what I knew I needed to do to be a better me.  Doing those things made me realize being a better me was inside of me.  I unpacked a few things and become at peace with some and changed thith...