I have made a vow to myself to tell my truths. I do draw a line at telling parts of my story that may infringe on someone else's rights or incriminate them in any way; Also, if I know they would just rather me not talk about them. This is why I very rarely mention my husband or our minor kids, it's a respect thing.
When I was a young girl, I can't say that I envisioned my life to be what it is presently. That's to say, as a girl growing up in the 70's and 80's, I didn't dream of being someone's wife and people's mother. I wanted to be me. I wanted to write and be a psychiatrist, those were my dreams. Being young was wasted on me.
I became a mother 2 times over then years and years later, I became a wife and a mother again. I wholeheartedly threw myself into those roles. I regret nothing. As I grew older I just became more of who I am. I have a secret though that I share only with a few. Not because I am ashamed but, because I know it may be unbelievable to many. It carries such a stigma in my mind so even the few who know, only know about 50%. After meeting a new friend and sharing between the two of us, she made me realize that if others can't believe then it's their problem not mine. So here goes a truth about me.
In my early 20's, I was diagnosed with both narcolepsy and insomnia. At one point I had to go on fmla at work when I was unable to sleep for over 72 hours. Not sleeping really wrecks havoc on your body. I wouldn't drive for fear of not being able to react quick enough to even apply my foot to the brakes in a timely fashion. I wouldn't really speak on the phone either so I didn't say anything weird or out of line. Couple this with the fact that I am also an extremely light sleeper and I can tell you that I have physically and poo psychologically suffered over the past 2 decades. I was never a big medicine person so I would just suffer. People aren't sympathetic to this sort of diagnosed illness though because you look fine and they aren't able to look at you and see anything of the illness. It's almost like a slap in the face when someone tells you to just go to sleep. My immediate response is, oh my goodness, why didn't I think of that? You have changed my life. NOT! People want to see your suffering is what I learned. This helped me to keep certain things a secret.
I still have bouts with my sleeping disorders. In the past 10 years or so I have had increasingly worse back pains also. I would go to the doctor very sporadically because it is not easy to pinpoint the pain or even to describe it. It's fine though, I am not a complainer so some days, I would either stay as still as possible, or just go slowly. That worked, mostly. I may have gone to the doctor for it about 5 or 6 times in the last 10+ years. I learned to keep it to myself and my tolerance for pain began to build. This brings me to about 3 months ago. I was caught off guard, spun around and ended up falling flat on my back and hitting my head on the ground...ouch! Not many know about this. The result has been life-changing.
That night, I could barely walk, I couldn't get into bed without assistance and it got so bad that almost any movement sent so much pain coursing through my body I don't know how to explain it. Every day since then my body has so much pain it's hard to describe. I have migraines, on average, 2 times a week and my arms and legs get painfully numb. I went to the doctor once. I don't know how to explain what is happening. I look fine, unless you catch me arty a really bad time trying to navigate a stairway. I don't complain about the pains because people want to see the suffering.
When I have to go to the store and pick up a pack of water, because I am presumably moving well, no body offers to help so I cause more pain not wanting to draw attention to my invisible problem. I am telling my story because I grapple with this everyday. I realize their are more people who will disbelieve than believe just because of my appearance or the strength I am feigning. I know there are others out there that are going through this same type of thing and I want to encourage you to seek help and tell the truth. Telling the truth may be all you have to do to free yourself. I always want those who don't know the struggle, or who may know someone struggling, be supportive. Stop looking for the suffering and offer your help.
The outside doesnt always match the inside.
Comments
Post a Comment