Keep It Sybil

 Yesterday was a difficult day for me.  I do my best to be easy with myself. It's hard at times because of the complexities of things I'm dealing with.  Figuring out who I am and separating the real me from the one I created for the sake of my relationship is the most challenging part of healing.  Dividing these two personas are integral in my journey.  The real me wants everything to be in its place even if that place is a stack on my nightstand.  Survival me made sure there were no stacks anywhere.  The real me loves to laugh; loudly at times. Survival me only laughed loudly when not in the presence of the other person or their family.  The real me didn't allow my children to use slang when speaking to me or around me.  Survival me allowed slang for fear of being told what a horrible step mother I was.  This list can go on and on.  Here in lies the issue.  I had to realize that the real me ceased to exist for the better part ...

The further I move away from the daily abuse I suffered for over a decade of my life, the more I can feel and understand the ramifications of what happened to me. Long term abuse causes things to change on a molecular level.  Physically it takes a toll. But the biggest toll taken is on the mind, psychologically.  In my 20's, I was diagnosed with insomnia and narcolepsy.  By my 30's I had a good grip on those sleep disorders. That was until the, unchecked and covert abuse began.  Sure, it started out with small things. I was being criticized for innocuous things like keeping a small stack of magazines and books on my nightstand, the shows I watched on tv, not cooking to certain specifications, nothing serious right? Wrong!  These things alone maybe not so bad but could it with the small direct hits to my personality and the roller coaster begins. I expressed myself with nail polish, I loved to wear an array of color.  From the beginning I was told that was b...

 A couple months ago I was speaking with one of my cousins.  She wanted to ask me a question, but she was nervous to ask.  She wasn't nervous to ask because she thought I would blow-up on her, but she was nervous of my answer. If there is one thing that can be said about me, it's that I hate lying and liars and I do all I can to tell the truth.  I could hear it in her voice that she was struggling but I encouraged her to ask.  She quietly asked me this question. I was crushed. My heart was racing, and I felt a pit in my stomach.  I didn't feel these things because of the question but because my little cousin was scared for me.  I have always been a person that will protect those I love.  When I struggled with anger in my teens and early 20s, I would confront any and every one that was disrespecting a loved one. I had been pulled away and forced to calm down on many occasions. There was a time at the McDonald's drive thru where the cashier was spea...

There came a time in my abusive relationship where I came to the realization that I was the only one that married to form a partnership and was truly in love with the other person. Even though there had been years of abuse that ranged from physical to sexual to emotional I still stood on the vows I took.  The same could not be said of the other person. When a person is being ignored by their significant other it is just like being punched each time.  I was essentially being punched on a daily basis for upward of 4 years.  I would ask to be loved.  I would asked to be kissed. I would ask to be held.  I would ask if he wanted to work on our relationship.  Eventually, i would ask how long he was cheating on me.  I would ask for him to stop cheating on me. I would ask if he ever loved me. I would ask if he ever cared. I would be ignored at each turn.  I would ask about things not related to us and be ignored. Can you fix my vehicle? Can you buy grocer...

 Hello old friend.  There have been so many things going on with my life in the past almost 2 years. When last we spoke, I was just coming to terms with having survived an abusive relationship. The problem is that along with that realization comes many others.  It truly messes with your mind. Physically being removed does very little for the other parts of you that have yet to escape. Trust is one of the biggest things I have been fighting with. I have yet to even put any thought into trusting a new man. My trust issues are all about me. I have several people surronding me that are very trustworthy and have stood beside me and supported me in all ways.  I, however, have not been trustworthy with myself.  I made myself a promise, I made myself several promises that I did not keep.  15 years ago I was getting my degree and freelance writing. I promised myself I would get my degree and write fulltime and travel.  Well, you guessed it, I am actually 5 cred...