Keep It Sybil

Over the past 11 months I have been filed with so many conflicting emotions.  Because I had no idea how to start weeding through them it has kept me from writing. I try my best not to act based on any negative emotions because I know my words can't be taken back once they are out. Speaking and writing words are forever,  they can be forgiven but never forgotten. Almost 2 weeks ago,  I was having a conversation with one of my cousins about why I was no longer writing. I explained how I don't want to write from anger.  He asked me why not.  I tried to explain to the best of my ability and he did what any person does out of love,  he called bs. He told me that my words don't have to be angry just because I am but that they need only be truthful. He knows how much I love the truth so here it goes.  November 18, 2021 was a huge blessing masquerading as the lowest moment of my life.  It's funny how that happens. Because there is pain that remains, ...

When I have a therapy session I have thoughts and feelings that come up and they are usually new.  Yesterday's session was no different.  I am an upfront person. However,  knowing there were things about my life and relationship that I basically hid from,  it's been hard realizing certain things.   Of course the abuse was a big thing that I was blind to. Part of the abuse that I became aware of in my session is the issue of control. The funny thing,  not ha ha funny,  is while I was communicating before getting into a relationship,  I stated to him,  I like a man that is in control but is not controlling.  I completely missed the mark.  Side story: The summer of 1998, I purchased a car.  It was a black convertible and I loved that car. It was my 23rd birthday present to myself that year.  A few months after I got it,  I met this guy. We hadn't gone on a proper date yet but we talked on the phone.  My grandmo...

Last week at the end of my therapy session, therapist gave me my homework.  I like that she challenges me to go deeper.  At the same time it is a little scary to me.  Like I always tell my youngest son, the thing that makes a person brave is feeling scared but doing it anyway.  Whew! This is an open letter to my family, chosen and biological, living and passed away.  Dear you,  I am writing this letter to you because I feel sad and ashamed of the way I treated you. You have supported me and loved me even in the times you had no idea who I was any longer.  I know you didn't know me because I look back and realize I ceased to be me. I stopped talking to you and checking on you.  I didn't show up and give back the love that was being given to me. When I did show up,  my laughter no longer shook the roof. I was a shell of myself and for that I apologize. I was uncomfortable in the thought of being seen as a failure or that I want the best hostess...

Forgiving is a funny thing. As a Christian, the Lord's Prayer says, forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.  That means with the forgiveness of others we can also be forgiven. To forgive is defined as to grant pardon for or remittance.  That means you are letting go of or no longer holding a wrongdoing over a person's head. Welp herein lies the difficulty.  I wholeheartedly believe that forgiving someone does not mean things go back to the way it previously was.  There are many that would argue that if you forgive someone then you can go back to how it was but I'm not one old those people.  If I allow a friend to stay with me and they rob me blind, when I forgive them, or would be foolish of me to allow that same person to continue to be my friend and/ or to stay in my home again.  Now their actions require me to treat them accordingly without spite. Forgiving and keeping a distance can occur at the same time. When applying these...

Tonight I need to talk about living in a cloud on the silver lining.  In 2010, the end of June, my family was creating up for a family reunion.  I went to the train station to pick up one of my aunts.  While picking her up I receive a crazy call from my one and only daughter.   She is pretty frantic and I'm not quite understanding at first.  Then I get that she is telling me the house is on fire.  Not a small kitchen fire but a fire fire.  There was lightening and that lightening hit a tree.  The branch catches on fire and it happens to be hanging over the roof.  So it's a get everyone out safely type of fire. Everyone did get out safely. Welp, I lost around 90 % of my belongings.  I had vintage bags,  sneakers,  jewelry,  highschool memorabilia etc.... I felt a great loss because I always worked very hard and got the things I wanted.  After a couple of days,  I was living on the silver lining of the cloud....

I have come to realize that the journey I am on is a difficult one.  Not for the obvious reasons like the fact that I am able to say that I was in an abusive relationship,  but the inner work is what makes it even more difficult.  Having certain realizations has broken my heart into more tiny pieces.   Once I have come to certain realizations there is then the work to figure out how I participated and how to move forward.  My therapist has definitely helped me in seeing several things.  If you have been reading and following, you know that my life's goal is to help others.  I'm sharing my path because if it helps just one person then it's worth it.   I came to understand this on my own but u know it's true.  There is a whole segment of abusers that do not believe they are abusive. Unfortunately,  our society has placed more emphasis on abuse meaning physical abuse.  The person that is yelling in your face,  or calling...

If someone emotionally abuses you, they will physically abuse you. If someone will physically abuse you they will kill you.  It's not a matter of if, but when. These are the profound words of famed homicide detective,  Joe Kenda. I want to shed some light for those who may still be in the dark about this.  Physical abuse is easy.  People don't seem to have a misconception of what physical abuse consists of, pushing, shoving, punching, slapping, hitting, kicking and any form of agressive touching. That is what makes it easy. Plus,  it's something you can usually see.  You are aware that there is abuse when you see the bruises,  scratches,  black eyes or the broken bones or sprained ankles or wrists. Often times,  other forms of abuse are denied, overlooked or not acknowledged as such. This is unfortunate.  The one I want to talk about today is emotional abuse. Emotional abuse involves nonphysical behavior that belittles another perso...