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Bob the Builder

When I have a therapy session I have thoughts and feelings that come up and they are usually new.  Yesterday's session was no different. 

I am an upfront person. However,  knowing there were things about my life and relationship that I basically hid from,  it's been hard realizing certain things.  

Of course the abuse was a big thing that I was blind to. Part of the abuse that I became aware of in my session is the issue of control. The funny thing,  not ha ha funny,  is while I was communicating before getting into a relationship,  I stated to him,  I like a man that is in control but is not controlling.  I completely missed the mark. 

Side story: The summer of 1998, I purchased a car.  It was a black convertible and I loved that car. It was my 23rd birthday present to myself that year.  A few months after I got it,  I met this guy. We hadn't gone on a proper date yet but we talked on the phone.  My grandmother died and my family started arriving from out of town.  One of my cousins asked if he could use my car and I told him sure.  This guy sees my cousin driving my car and calls me like he had something to say. I told that person,  we are not married,  you have not contributed to kissing fur my car at all and not that is your business but it was my cousin.  Needless to say,  I did not talk to him again.  His insecurity was leading him to try and control me and I was not having it. I am my own person and I don't need another to control me. 

Fast forward to my last relationship.  What I realized yesterday is I realized there was a control issue but I put it into a generalization.  I would say, you have an issue with control.  You want to control everything and the Freestone back would be,  I don't want to control you.  The response was gaslighting at its best.  The control was definitely about trying to control me.  There were things that his child wasn't required like saying where he was and who he was with and a time to come back but if I didn't give that information as an adult it led to verbal, mental and emotional abuse.  This should have tipped me but I left it generalized.  Until my wonderful therapy sessions. 

I didn't make that connection until yesterday,  literally.  Just as I lived with some form of abuse, mental,  emotional,  physical,  verbal,  sexual or financial,  for over a decade. It's a devastating thought. 

I don't mind pushing myself or doing the hard work but this is hard.  I am in a struggle because gaining the understanding of what was truly being done to me and what I actually accepted has broken me down.  I know that the breakdown has to happen in order to have the build up.  If you are experiencing this type of thing,  I want you to know that as the truth also. 
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