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Dear ___

Last week at the end of my therapy session, therapist gave me my homework.  I like that she challenges me to go deeper.  At the same time it is a little scary to me.  Like I always tell my youngest son, the thing that makes a person brave is feeling scared but doing it anyway.  Whew!

This is an open letter to my family, chosen and biological, living and passed away. 

Dear you, 
I am writing this letter to you because I feel sad and ashamed of the way I treated you. You have supported me and loved me even in the times you had no idea who I was any longer.  I know you didn't know me because I look back and realize I ceased to be me. I stopped talking to you and checking on you.  I didn't show up and give back the love that was being given to me. When I did show up,  my laughter no longer shook the roof. I was a shell of myself and for that I apologize. I was uncomfortable in the thought of being seen as a failure or that I want the best hostess or guest.  For this I apologize because I was never perfect so it was insane for me to even make the attempt. Trying to portray perfection kept me from being me. There was a point I never even really left the house which was not fair to those who would show up for me.  I do feel shame for allowing myself to be in a situation of getting beat down and broken down by a person that only had this goal in mind.  I definitely feel shame for allowing myself to give all of the love inside of me to a person that didn't fill up my love tank, they only took and then tried their best to break that tank to smithereens.  The part that makes me sad is that for the decade this was happening,  I had no idea how broken I truly was. I knew not that I stopped, smiling, talking and laughing.  I think of the ones that have passed during that time and I am deeply saddened. I had nothing to give and I gave nothing. My whole heart hurts knowing I wasn't there for any of you.  Everything that is good about me comes from you. My love tank was full because of you and I apologize for not keeping my reserve tank to give from.  I am so grateful that no one has turned their back on me as I deserve. I am really unsure, right now,  of how to be happy anymore but I'm working on it.  I thank you for not giving up on me.  Please don't think that you did anything to deserve the disregard I showed you.  You didn't. I am working on not hating myself and the person I became so even though I have no right to ask,  please be easy with me. I am hurting and I am working on putting the pieces of me back together.  I apologize for the times you needed me and I want anywhere to be found. I am truly learning so much right now and I am healing. Once again thank you and I appreciate you. I promise I will be a better version of myself. 

With love
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