Decisively indecisive

Forgiving is a funny thing. As a Christian, the Lord's Prayer says, forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.  That means with the forgiveness of others we can also be forgiven. To forgive is defined as to grant pardon for or remittance.  That means you are letting go of or no longer holding a wrongdoing over a person's head. Welp herein lies the difficulty. 

I wholeheartedly believe that forgiving someone does not mean things go back to the way it previously was.  There are many that would argue that if you forgive someone then you can go back to how it was but I'm not one old those people.  If I allow a friend to stay with me and they rob me blind, when I forgive them, or would be foolish of me to allow that same person to continue to be my friend and/ or to stay in my home again.  Now their actions require me to treat them accordingly without spite. Forgiving and keeping a distance can occur at the same time. When applying these rules to someone else-- easy.  Applying them to yourself-- Beyond difficult. 

Conversations with my therapist are very good. I questioned her about this and she did offer her thoughts.  I would love to share her advice with you.  She let me know there is no clear- cut steps for self forgiveness.  She told me that I will begin to know what I should do in order to forgive myself.  Acknowledging your role or your part of the situation is a must. The big thing, for me,  I can't distance and forgive myself from a far so? I am realizing and understanding that I am not today, the person I was in the thick of the abusive relationship so the me then is who I must forgive.  

As I do the work on myself, that in and of itself is putting the distance between that version of me and this healing version of me. Boy, oh boy! I am still in survival mode,  unfortunately,  so it's a bit more difficult to forgive the me now when I'm still looking for her. I do have a little something to offer on finding yourself so you can begin to forgive yourself though. 

I pray for guidance and acceptance for myself and the abuser.  I don't hate them and I am easy with myself. I am still actively being lied on and hurt so this has proven to be one of those things that I am proud of myself about. Just because they see no value in having a therapist doesn't affect me.  It just shows me they will not change and where I always look for the good in a person, they unfortunately have no good behaviors that pertain to me and I have just gotten to a place of accepting that.  

Because of the past horrible treatment and the obvious none intention to change,  I am hyper-aware and the fear of more severe physical hurt,  means being out of town in a nondisclosed location is the only time I have been able to relax my guard a bit. That aspect I don't want to get used to in my life. I don't know when the terror will go away but I pray about that also. My village of people is very supportive and they all pray for both of us also.  Be easy work yourself and find your village that doesn't mind giving you their backbone when you need it. Joy comes in the morning.