I don't even think there is a phrase that describes the feeling that I currently have about my life. It has been approximately, a year and a half since I have last shared. The truth is that I have barely even written anything beyond a text message in that time. For a while I called it writer's block but now, I know that is not a true assessment. The truth is more emotion and far-reaching than that would connote.
When last we spoke I believe I was legally ending the worse chapters of my life. Now, this is not to say that some good times were not had in that more than decade of my life, but the bad times definitely outweighed the good ones. The lessons were a multitude with nary a time to rest really. I am good with the knowledge of this at this point. There has to be bad in order to enjoy the good; the night must fall in order for the sun to rise; there would be no way to turn left if you didn't have the option of turning right. You get it, the good and the bad not only co-exist, but they also only exist because of the other. That is how I feel about my life also.
Over the past four years, I have been told how strong I am. Oh, you will get through this because you are strong. You are strong so this too shall pass. The regards are always the same, I am strong and can withstand any of the bad that life throws at me. Sure, I will get through and land on my feet on the other side. Of course, I can face any battles being brought to me. Yes, there will be a time when the negative parts will be but a distant memory. The part that everyone has gotten wrong though is that all of those things are true because I am a strong black woman.
I, indeed, am a black woman. I came from good stock truly. But let's look at a few things; Coffee. You grab your cup and place the filter into the pot. In the filter you place the grounded coffee. Well, the more grounds that you place in the filter, the stronger the coffee will be once that scorching hot water is poured over it. After the drip is done you will have a strong cup of coffee. What you do with that cup to make it your own is a personal decision. Personally, I love my cup with cream. The brew was strong, yet I make it into what is a creamy cup of deliciousness. This is me now, I am the creamy cup of deliciousness.
Yes, I had a ton of grounded coffee beans placed in the filter of my life. Four years ago, the steaming water began to pour and I was, quite possibly the strongest cup of coffee created. Within these four years, I have put in different flavors of cream, a little sugar and some cold foam to make the creamiest, dreamiest cup of Joe.
I really dislike being told that I am a strong black woman because for me it isn't a compliment. I did not make a decision to go to the gyn and take Pilate classes or begin to heavy lift weights. I was literally living my life when someone, researched me and pretended to be what they surmised I needed in life, and at first there was a small amount of grounds in my filter. I made questionable choices, and I was ok with them. The person that inserted themselves into my life was a big heaping of grounds that I allowed in without knowing that it was such a big helping being added in. Well, what happened over the next decade was being thrust upon me and I eventually gave up and just didn't try to close the filter or disallow any more grounds. That day in November, a week before Thanksgiving 2021, the water was hot enough to strip away skin. Yep, I was made stronger than I ever knew was possible.
In the past 4 plus years, I have been deciding how strong I would like to remain. What I decided was, I had time to decide. I needed to remain strong for a certain period of time so I could get things done without the sweet sugar or cream. The past year and a half I have been adding more sugar and more cream. I have chosen to no longer be just, a strong cup of coffee. I didn't make the choice to be one in the beginning, so I wasn't going to let it remain as a descriptor of my personality either. I am what I have chosen to make of me.
2021, I started as an extra strong cup of coffee, but I am not that any longer. I am a black woman that has been through an unfathomable amount of pain and was strong enough to get through it and to the other side as a whole person. I am not a strong black woman however; I am a cup of coffee that is now the color of a caramel latte thanks to the sugar and cream I was able to add to lighten up the strong.
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