Training days

Over the past 11 months I have been filed with so many conflicting emotions.  Because I had no idea how to start weeding through them it has kept me from writing. I try my best not to act based on any negative emotions because I know my words can't be taken back once they are out. Speaking and writing words are forever,  they can be forgiven but never forgotten.

Almost 2 weeks ago,  I was having a conversation with one of my cousins about why I was no longer writing. I explained how I don't want to write from anger.  He asked me why not.  I tried to explain to the best of my ability and he did what any person does out of love,  he called bs. He told me that my words don't have to be angry just because I am but that they need only be truthful. He knows how much I love the truth so here it goes. 

November 18, 2021 was a huge blessing masquerading as the lowest moment of my life.  It's funny how that happens. Because there is pain that remains,  physical,  mental,  emotional, I must remind myself every day,  every cloud always has a silver lining. I am so angry. I am so sad.  I am so happy. I am so thankful.  I am so many things and often all at the same time. In the midst of the jumble, I continue to remember that I am loved and meant to love. 

I am mostly angry during this stage of my grief. The thing I know about grief is that it is only felt if there is love. That's where the anger comes in for me. The grief is not from the death of a person but the death of who a person was in my life. The death of building a future.  The death of vows taken. Grief, like the ocean, can ebb and flow.  Steady one day can make way to wobbling the next. 

In spite of my extreme anger,  it doesn't dictate my actions. I know that the anger will one day give way to some other emotions but until that happens I will give myself grace and understanding because I need it more than I ever have before.