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Two way mirror

 Yesterday was a difficult day for me.  I do my best to be easy with myself. It's hard at times because of the complexities of things I'm dealing with.  Figuring out who I am and separating the real me from the one I created for the sake of my relationship is the most challenging part of healing.  Dividing these two personas are integral in my journey. 

The real me wants everything to be in its place even if that place is a stack on my nightstand.  Survival me made sure there were no stacks anywhere.  The real me loves to laugh; loudly at times. Survival me only laughed loudly when not in the presence of the other person or their family.  The real me didn't allow my children to use slang when speaking to me or around me.  Survival me allowed slang for fear of being told what a horrible step mother I was.  This list can go on and on.  Here in lies the issue. 

I had to realize that the real me ceased to exist for the better part of a decade and survival me needed to be destroyed.  I could never imagine plotting the destruction of a whole person. I know it's necessary but then I must realize that I'm not destroying myself, like my mind is telling me, but I'm destroying a fake, a worthless, bad duplication.  This is why yesterday was difficult. 

Mentally and emotionally, destroying a person takes everything out of you.  The mental and emotional turmoil cause a physical breakdown.  There have been days,  many days im this battle has kept me in bed.  My body would be so heavy, I could feel my heart actually shattering, the tears wouldn't stop pouring.  I absolutely adored that other person.  Even in the abuse I would not say negative things about him. I thought he was my forever love.  But it was his fake, his representative that I loved which is what created my representative.  Ugh, 70% of the time,  I feel fantastic.  20% of the time I am pushing through and feel alright.  5% of the time I'm pushing through but I don't feel great and that last 5%. That 5% is where I am so sad. The journey is what's important. 

I still am not sure what the final destination of this journey looks like but I don't focus on the destination.  I make sure that I am taking in every aspect of the journey. When I learn something new then I can let the burden of that previous ignorance stay where it falls. Yesterday was just a day I felt so heavy.  Today was better but I still continue to push through because I know I will have a great day soon.  I have to remind myself that I can be happy with where my life currently is while being sad about losing the vision of what I thought my life would be and if I can do it, you can too 

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