Skip to main content

The Journey

There came a time in my abusive relationship where I came to the realization that I was the only one that married to form a partnership and was truly in love with the other person. Even though there had been years of abuse that ranged from physical to sexual to emotional I still stood on the vows I took.  The same could not be said of the other person.

When a person is being ignored by their significant other it is just like being punched each time.  I was essentially being punched on a daily basis for upward of 4 years.  I would ask to be loved.  I would asked to be kissed. I would ask to be held.  I would ask if he wanted to work on our relationship.  Eventually, i would ask how long he was cheating on me.  I would ask for him to stop cheating on me. I would ask if he ever loved me. I would ask if he ever cared. I would be ignored at each turn.  I would ask about things not related to us and be ignored.

Can you fix my vehicle? Can you buy groceries?  Can you spend time as a family?  Can you give me back my vehicle you have 4 other vehicles? I would only be spoken to for purposes of degradation. I was told at one point that I don't do anything for anyone else and their birthday and that was after planning a surprise 40th birthday party and purchasing 40 presents plus a Father's Day present which was the same weekend.  That same year I got nothing for my birthday and was told I was too old to care about my birthday. When I was unemployed, coming off of the lockdown, and had to figure out how to purchase a new vehicle after getting thousands of dollars of work done on my vehicle that I paid payments and insurance for also would not be returned to me.  I started to realize some things.

I needed to come up with a plan and put it into motion.  I did that.  I began moving family treasures and delicate gifts given to me from others to safe locations for fear of retribution. I am glad I did so.  There are a few things I did not get out and are now gone forever due to the fear I had of the other person. I knew none of this was okay and during this time I was asked by the other person after I asked him, why don't you just do what needs to be done for a divorce? You do not even like me.  The response was him barreling towards me and getting in my face and yelling, "You don't think I love you".  I looked directly at him and said based on this I know for sure that you don't. I stopped telling myself that this was a salvageable relationship.

Up to that point I would tell myself that he was going through something I would need to stand by him and support him.  I had believed that he could go back to being the person I thought I married almost 10 years earlier.  Waking from that nightmare was not easy and it continues to be dark at times, but I feel so much better about myself.  I have new memories that aren't pleasant all of the time and have to work through them. I also have to deal with the happy occasions that were shared with the person I thought was my forever partner. It is all a mind-blowingly incomprehensible situation.  I am moving to the other side.  I am moving slowly because healing is not quick. I remind myself daily that any movement is good.  Don't give up on yourself and fight for the best for yourself.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Whitney already told you

 Today I just knew that I needed to write a post.  Sometimes I know what I am going to write before I start, and then other times, I'm just winging it. There are plenty of things on my mind and I still don't know what my topic of the day will be. That is until I know what it is going to be. I look at the people in my life every day.  No, not physically but logically and some of the time emotionally. I come to the same realization every time.  First off, there is no such thing as coincidence, in my opinion. I believe that the family you are born into is based on many things, but it is never a mistake.  When you meet your friends, lovers and others, it is for a divine reason.  All things work for the good.  Not some of the time; all of the time. Now let me be clear, two things can and are usually true at the same time.  You can have a happy life and feel joy while still feeling sad over certain situations. The reverse can also be true where in you f...
Post a Comment
Read more

Cafe Bustelo with a little cream

 I don't even think there is a phrase that describes the feeling that I currently have about my life.  It has been approximately, a year and a half since I have last shared.  The truth is that I have barely even written anything beyond a text message in that time.  For a while I called it writer's block but now, I know that is not a true assessment. The truth is more emotion and far-reaching than that would connote. When last we spoke I believe I was legally ending the worse chapters of my life.  Now, this is not to say that some good times were not had in that more than decade of my life, but the bad times definitely outweighed the good ones.  The lessons were a multitude with nary a time to rest really.  I am good with the knowledge of this at this point.  There has to be bad in order to enjoy the good; the night must fall in order for the sun to rise; there would be no way to turn left if you didn't have the option of turning right.  You g...
Post a Comment
Read more

True Confession!

I have a confession to make. It's funny because telling a secret or making a confession is a very hard thing yet once it's done that weight has been lifted and you feel a little lighter. That being said confession is just good for the soul. I know that the devil is trying his best to keep me from obtaining my destiny and this confession is getting ready to shame him because he is a liar and he will not kill or destroy me. I am taking back the power I gave him in this situation. I just had a birthday and I turned 36. I love when my birthday comes around. This year was no difference. Actually, it was a lot better than it has been in years. Partially because I spent my day getting to know a new person in my life but mostly because I have been getting to know myself. This is my real-life confession. I didn't begin to feel good about myself until I was in my 30's--I was around 32 actually. I had the most negative self-talk a person could have. My self-esteem and self-imag...
Post a Comment
Read more