The further I move away from the daily abuse I suffered for over a decade of my life, the more I can feel and understand the ramifications of what happened to me. Long term abuse causes things to change on a molecular level. Physically it takes a toll. But the biggest toll taken is on the mind, psychologically.
In my 20's, I was diagnosed with insomnia and narcolepsy. By my 30's I had a good grip on those sleep disorders. That was until the, unchecked and covert abuse began. Sure, it started out with small things. I was being criticized for innocuous things like keeping a small stack of magazines and books on my nightstand, the shows I watched on tv, not cooking to certain specifications, nothing serious right? Wrong!
These things alone maybe not so bad but could it with the small direct hits to my personality and the roller coaster begins. I expressed myself with nail polish, I loved to wear an array of color. From the beginning I was told that was bad basically. That was the first attack to my choices. The list of things I did that were bad or made me a horrible person or a piece of s#@!, was endless through the lens of my abuser. The mental and psychological abuse started softly but swiftly. My body knew about it long before my mind.
My back would hurt on a regular basis. I had an innumerable amount of migraines and regular headaches. My bowels were so screwed up. After a couple of years I had kidney stones so large, the dr was amazed that I was able to walk, I had to have emergency surgery. I also had ulcers that were erupting like crazy. I also began taking sleeping pills because rest was not my friend for fear of being called names. I thought I was having a heart attack one day and the person that was supposed to be my protector was in the house with me and I couldn't even trust him to help me. I couldn't talk so I ended up having to text my cousin and she called my bestie around the corner who then sent her husband and an ambulanceand called my daughter. My abuser was only concerned about how it made him look that these people are helping me without his knowledge. I want having a great attack but I was having a panic attack and my blood pressure and heart rate were so high even the emt's were astounded. But the time this incident happened I was already taking steps to get out.
My health was taking a hard hit and I was being berated for being sick. If I couldn't clean and cook, which was very rare, because I was having a health issue, then I was berated even further. There were days I could barely lift my head from the pillow because of migraines and I would be told how lazy I'm being by staying in bed. There was no offer of help to me or to do the things my son needed done for him. Many times I would ask my daughter to come to make sure my son was straight. Yes there were 3 other people there and none willing to help. Looking back, I am amazed at my strength. My mental fortitude that helped me to get out. Health wise, I am so good now. I haven't had a migraine and maybe only 2 or 3 headaches since getting out. The bowel and gut issues are taking a bit more time but it's better than it was. The mental stuff however, not so easy.
Self-respect is something I always had and will always have. I am who I say I am and I do what I say I will do. The abuse took out my self-worth and in turn has lowered my self-esteem. Being told constantly what a terrible wife, mother, person you are does best you down. Couple that with not ever being told nice things and eventually the only communication from my abuser was to let me know how wretched of a human being I am. When I found the courage to say something I would be told things like, that's just the way you take it, or I only say things that are true, or if you don't like it then leave or anything else to double down on the attacks. I was an excellent wife and I am still an excellent mother and human being. My rational mind know these things, my damaged psyche is still figuring things out. I am proud of myself for not giving up on myself. It defibrillator wound have been easier to quit and let it all kill me. I may be rebuilding my self-worth but I know for sure I'm worth the fight.
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