Emotional outburst

The more time that lapses, the more things I am able to see.  I am very hard on myself sometimes when I look at how many things I didn't see or turned a blind eye to.  I am not responsible for anyone else's actions, but I am responsible for allowing those actions to continue where they pertain to me.  I don't feel ashamed but on some days I do not feel great about myself.  In the beginning those days were frequent; now very rare. It is still better than I felt for the greatest duration of that relationship.

I now understand that I was not listening to my intuition.  That was a shame because I have strong intuition.  In fact, when I am in tune with it, I have over a 98% rate of being correct.  Just a little back story.  I was pursued online.  Looking back, I am sure that because I speak about everything, that person looked over my profile and could easily see that I was a Christian and a person that was all about my family.  These were the things I posted about mostly because they were and continue to be the most important things in my life. I have never paid attention to anyone trying to holla at me online but my new year's resolution was to try new things so I could get different results.  The 1st mistake.

I chat with this person for about a week or so online. No exchange of numbers only dm's. Then he asks me out.  There still was no exchange of numbers but I agree to meet at a specific location.  Well, this was before smart phones really, so I get the location wrong.  I am waiting and waiting and thinking, geesh, why would this dude approach me online only to not show up to the meeting place.  I go home.  Looking back, that was God keeping me safe.  I am sure that my ego did not want to have been stood up so, when I got home and saw another dm instead of ignoring it, I answer.  I was told I had the wrong location. I am sure this was probably the beginning of the gaslighting. So, I agreed to give it a try again in a few days. When I saw him and his vehicle, I realize that I almost took an opportunity a few weeks earlier to introduce myself to him.  When I built up my courage, well had enough drinks to go, he was in his vehicle and pulling off.  For the next 10 years I would romanticize this into what is meant to will be.  In reality, I didn't let God protect me the first or the second time.  Well, it's either 3rd times a charm or 3 strikes you're out.  Foolishly I am thinking this strike is a charm.

I was instantly attracted to this big, beautiful man. There is nothing wrong with that, but I ignored my intuition from the beginning that told me to thank him for his compliment, in his first dm, and then keep it pushing like I had always done. In the beginning things were not bad. Looking back, I know that because I ignored my intuition and didn't allow for God's protection, it didn't mean it was no longer there it was just manifesting in a different way.  My body would begin to attempt to get my attention and make me run.  I didn't know that was what was happening at the time. The internal revolt began maybe about 6 months in.  This is the thing I want to teach to others; I didn't even understand the things that were happening or being done so insidiously, but inside of me it was known. 

I was diagnosed with insomnia and narcolepsy in my early 20's.  I would take over the counter meds when I needed them.  The insomnia got worse with stressful times in my life.  I began to take prescription sleep meds after meeting this person.  I took them fairly regularly.  I just assumed that it had been 15 years of not taking prescription sleep meds so this must be the natural progression.  At least 2 times a month I began to have migraine headaches.  I felt tired and just generally blah a lot. In spite of this being the norm for about 8 years I just figured it was a sign of my getting older.  It was not.

Around year 9 when the bubble started leaking slowly, I came to a realization that my body wanted me to get out of there to save me. At about that time, I started having an accelerated heart rate.  I had an app on my phone that would take your rate.  There were plenty of days that I though wow, I am going to end up have a stroke because of this.  Once I started tracking my heartrate, I would pay attention to when this was happening and the circumstances surrounding it. It would always be linked to interactions with the other person.  In fact, one day there was texting, and it was making me so anxious I thought I was having a heart attack.  I couldn't talk, I could hardly breath and it seemed to be getting dim in the middle of a sunny summer day.  I was texting my cousin and told her to call my bestie who lived a few houses down.  She did and my bestie's husband rushed over because he would be able to physically help me.  He saw the other person just pulled up, so he went back home.  My bestie had already called 911 and my daughter.  The other person comes in and begins saying something negative and denigrating to me and I tell him I can't talk to him, as best I can.  He doesn't check to see what is wrong he just goes whatever and proceeds to go and take a shower. The EMT's get there as he gets out of the shower, and they are banging at the door.  Finally, one of the other 4 people in the house get the door and they come into my room. The other person doesn't care about what is happening with me because where I am unable to really speak, the EMT directs questions to him, and he says I don't know she didn't tell me she was calling you. This opens my eyes all of the way.

The EMT says to me that she is surprised I am not having a stroke because of how high my blood pressure is at that time.  They bring up the stretcher and take me out.  The other person couldn't really care less because he doesn't ask any questions to the EMT's.  In fact, he has no idea what hospital they are taking me to.  Eventually, he figures it out after going to a different location.  He is there for 2 minutes to tell me he is going to work and to call his mom to pick me up whenever they release me.  His mother and I have zero relationship so that alone was a wild statement to make.  I of course call my bestie and she comes to pick me up. The plan begins to form at this point for me to get away. Everything that I was going through with my health proceeded until that dreaded day.

I haven't had a migraine in almost 2 years. I do not have to take my prescription sleeping meds on a regular basis and in general I feel fantastic. Because of all of the things I did go through I have anxiety pretty much, but I can recognize when one is coming on. They only happen pertaining to having dealings with that other person. I have no idea how long those feelings will last but I don't focus on it either.  I am moving on with the parts of my life that I am able to move on with and I have taken my lessons.  I do not block or ignore my intuition any longer. I also pray for God to protect me and any way He sees fit to do that is fine with me. I feel anxious thinking about certain things still, but I will not stop telling my story.  I know that there is some one that is unsure if they should leave, they may not know that they are being abused, there may be a loyalty to keeping their family together but more stories and post help them find safety.  I am not, by any means, saying that things can't change, what I am saying is that the abuser must take responsibility for what they have done and then they must be actively working towards a better life and the victim must also be working on themselves in order to have a successful future relationship. Be safe and do what is the best thing for yourself not what is the best thing for other people.