Trigger warning

This type of violence when pertaining to domestic violence is very divisive. I would even say the most divisive of all the forms of violence. I believe the problem people have with this is that they cannot conceive what this would entail with in a relationship. It is certainly more understandable when outside of a domestic situation.  Not having any knowledge of, or understanding does not make it nonexistent. This type of thinking is the reason that it is woefully under reported.  That and the fact that these types of cases are rarely convicted so that leaves the abuser in a fury and they are more than likely still living with their victim. The sheer terror of reporting something that can't be substantiated and then the abuser being let go is a recipe for causing unthinkable abuse. Also, I would imagine makes the abuser feel invincible because now their victim looks like they are filing false reports, and the abuser can use this in the future.  They would say things like, yeah, my significant other is crazy, they even filed this false report against me.  They will begin to use the fact that they are walking free to justify that they are not guilty of any crime.  If I have never said before, the legal system in the USA is so bad when it comes to victims of a myriad of crimes if there is not a death involved. The legal system is more likely to revictimize than to aid in helping the victim. This was just a little background but, what I want to talk about on this post is the vile sexual abuse.

Let me be clear here. I believe the victim first. Then with facts and evidence I will make an educated decision later on.  I have a family member that was wrongly accused of a sexual crime.  He is the one of the best people I know but until I got the facts and evidence, I believed that the victim would not just be lying. Quickly, intimidation is a tool used in many if not all forms of abuse in domestic violence situations. A glimpse at how intimidation works, the victim is sitting at the table eating and the abuser comes and stands over you while pointing in your face and yelling at you.  This is intimidation. Intimidation is a violent act.  We have to start calling things what they are.  This leads me back to sexual violence.

Within a domestic violence situation, legally there cannot be a rape.  As least in my state, I have learned. The fact that you live together and there have been consensual sexual acts in the past somehow negates rape. An intimate partner can force themselves onto their partner, without consent and it is not a rape.  It is a sexual assault however, legally. In my state the person being forced only has a matter of days to report this act. I am not speaking from experience but because I have had to deal with the authorities, I can ensure you that the case will be dropped because there is no witness.  Imagine what it feels like to be forced to have intercourse with someone that is inflicting all types of abuses on you, and you gain the strength to call the authorities and when you do you are accused of not being truthful or asked dehumanizing questions like, why would this person do this?  They don't seem to be a bad person. Then that person that forced themselves on you is then allowed back in the house because your address is their address so you can't stop them.  Imagine what that feels like.

Being sexually abused can also look like using sex as a humiliation. That looks like the abuser only having intercourse on their terms. The victim has no say of where, when or how the intercourse happens or the type of intercourse that occurs. They dictate the whole thing because this is also about control. I promise you that a person being sexually violated and sexually abused feels lower than low.  Not having complete control of your body is such a degrading thing that is a very difficult thing to speak about because talking about sex is taboo and talking about abuse is taboo so if you put them both together, the victim is most likely going to feel a deep-seated hatred for themselves. That can't be a good mental position to be in.

Legally, an abuser can put the victim into a chokehold and push their victim into a wall and force intercourse.  In a domestic situation, this is not rape.  The victim is as victimized the same as a victim of rape. The legal system does not help victims if there is no death involved, or there is no witness to the crime.  The abuser is then essentially, being told by the fact that the legal system doesn't move forward, that they are not doing wrong.  They can't be an abuser because they have never been convicted.  For those who may not know, suing a person in civil court is not even an option if there isn't a large form of insurance that can be held for the judgement. There isn't a lawyer that will go after a rapist in civil court after the criminal court declined, because they won't be able to be guaranteed a payment for themselves, forget about the victim that just wants to feel heard. The victim will tell their story to several people in the legal field, this is not a safe space, only be told that there is nothing that will be done to help because there is no way for them to get paid in the event that they win in civil court.  The survivor wants to be heard.  The survivor wants to be heard.  The survivor wants to be heard.

Yes this a form of physical violence but one that usually there are no visible signs, so it is denied or dismissed by others unfortunately.  All abuse is about control.  All violence is about control. If you know someone that is needing to tell you their story, listen. Listen to survivors.  Stop judging survivors.  Stop judging others.  Stop judging survivors.  Please stop.