As toddlers, our parents will teach us through repetition. Ma ma, ma ma, da da, da da, wa wa.... I don't think most parents even think about what they are doing specifically. In general, they know they are teaching their children words and ways to communicate. ABCDEFG... probably the next phase of teaching by repetition, at least intentionally. The unintentionally teachings are not even thought through.
Let's think about it though, behaviors are being taught also. Some parents may teach their kid how to turn on their favorite cartoons on the weekends, so they don't come barreling into their room and wake them up early on a Saturday or Sunday morning. It is a pretty common thing for some 3- or 4-year-olds to do this because they have been taught this behavior through repetition. Teaching through repetition doesn't stop there.
Once the child starts school in some form, pre-school, kindergarten, Montessori, the teacher is also teaching through repetition. There isn't a new concept being taught every day because the way for the child to learn is to continue to tell them the same thing over and over again. They do behavioral repetition also. They may teach them that you must line up on the wall in a straight line, face forward and no talking before we can go to lunch. Once again, these things aren't nefarious in any way, they are just a way to teach the things that are required in certain situations.
Now that the child has proven they have the capacity to learn through repetition, they can move on to organized sports. A coach is going to teach the exact same plays every practice. Repetition is going to work the best to drill the movements of the team into each individual player. Behavioral repetition, once again, is taught. In sports the behavior condition begins to get ratcheted up. If you mess up on a play, you may have to run several laps, try the play again and continue the loop until you get that play correct. No, you cannot just go and grab a sip of water or go to the bathroom because there is a set of activities that must be completed then those activities can be enjoyed. Repetition makes the winner who they are.
Through all forms of education this is the process-repetition. How else can you be prepared for the work life? Once you get into the work field you will still be taught through repetition. You are given a schedule that you need to adhere to. If you don't follow it, then you will be written up and eventually fired from your position. Repetition to teach certain behaviors. As human beings this is a very successful tactic. How does this work against us? By us I mean those that are victimized by a person that has no qualms about being abusive.
In our personal lives, there are so many people that say, I use positive affirmations every day. I don't allow negativity around me. The reason positive affirmations work is because, the person doing them, is training their minds by repetition. You are smart, you are kind, you are successful! Then your actions begin the line up with what you are telling yourself you are. Your behaviors have now been taught to you through your repeatedly telling yourself these good things. Where there is a positive, a negative will also be.
Mental abuse is real. A lot of this hinges on the negative affirmations the abuser will use. If you are being negatively affirmed every day, then your behavior will begin to line up. Repetition is the key in positivity and negativity. You are not a good cook, you dress funny, you are so stupid are negative affirmations. Now you aren't adventurous with cooking anymore hoping that the basics will taste good, you begin to dress like a plain Jane/John, or your confidence won't allow you to speak up because you obviously have nothing worthwhile to say. It doesn't stop there.
Maybe you loved to roll over in bed to give your partner a good night kiss or to cuddle and the first couple of months they allow it. Because they have to have control, they will then either stay with their back turned to you or put out their arm or something that will stop you from what you are attempting to do. Just to be on the safe side, they will probably give you a negative affirmation along with it, your breath stinks don't do that, it's too hot for that, I don't want you to touch me, or things along that line. The coupling of the words and actions causes you to not even make the attempt any longer. Rejection is not a pretty thing. The pipeline has just been opened up for the abuser.
If you are with a top-of-the-line abuser, they will then take the fact that you don't cuddle or kiss them goodnight and begin to degrade you. Oh, you must have found someone else to kiss goodnight, you must have found someone else to cuddle, you may as well go and be with them. The bad thing is that if your abuser is top of the line, that is only because you are a top tier victim. That is not a judgement it is the truth. I know this all too well. My comeback would be to go harder at making sure that the other person had no reason to think I would even want to look at another man. My actions were teaching him the best ways to victimize me. It is a horrible and vicious cycle.
Mental abuse is so insidious and dehumanizing that unless a person has experienced it there really is no way to completely conceptualize it. The things I am mentioning are only the seeds of this type of abuse. This isn't even a full-grown tree. The roots haven't even begun to take to the soil. In a domestic violence situation, the abuser knows that once the seeds are planted there isn't much time needed to get it to grow. In all forms of abuse, it is about control. Whenever I accomplish a goal, I feel like I am on top of the world so in my guesstimate, an abuser feels like the ruler of the universe when they have accomplished their goal of controlling a whole person.
As a survivor I can affirm that while being in it, I had no idea that I was being manipulated in this way. I wouldn't have stayed, and I believe most others wouldn't stay for that either. In the moment, my goal was to prove that the abuser was so great, and I didn't want to be without them or with anyone else. I now see it clearly and the reason that tact was effective is because I am extremely loyal, and cheating would not be something that I would have been involved in based on my own moral compass and nothing else. If you are reading this and you are not in this type of situation or you are not a survivor, you should offer grace and understanding to those that are. Stop offering your judgement because they have or are already being negatively affirmed long enough.
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