With this post I would like to share a story. The purpose of this story is to hopefully help someone to understand a little bit about life after domestic violence. I also want to say that there is no way to look at a person and tell if they are domestic violence survivor. It could be your doctor, the judge, the cashier at the grocery store. This would be equally true about an abuser. Neither of these people have a look or a certain personality while out in public. Remember, this is almost, wholly an issue that exists within the confines of that person's home. How well the blend in with normal society bares no evidence of their domestic behaviors.
Storytime, but first a little background. I was injured during a domestic violence situation. I did all I could to heal but none worked. I ended up having to have surgery to do the repairs. I am still healing. I dealt with daily pain of the injury for 17 months before I had the surgery. The healing process is about 9-12 months. I am at about month 6. I am grateful for this pain because at least there is an end in sight. Of course, it is a daily reminder of the worst day of my life, aside from deaths in my family. I am fine with the reminder because it keeps me diligent about my safety. Ok, so I was seeing a medical professional regularly that was working with me to heal my injury. The only people I have ever told about how I received the injury is people that I am paying in some way so there must be a confidentiality. When I share my story with this professional she then quietly shares her story with me. God places certain people in your life. In that I am firm believer. She was the first professional I shared my story with that assured me that there was life after domestic violence but could speak from experience, not just the obligatory empathy.
I hadn't seen her for about 6 weeks before my surgery because there was no relief. Once, I had the surgery I needed to start seeing her again to help with my healing from the surgery. While we are in the middle of my treatment she says I haven't seen you in a while but something big has happened. I am thinking she got engaged because we spoke of her moving on after the abuse. Well, it's bigger news than that. Let me say, she was divorced from her abuser for 7 years at the time of our meeting. Back to her news. She tells me that her ex-husband, a well respected business man, in another state, died in his sleep. They did have children under the age of 18. She shared with me that her heart was breaking for her kids. She said she was having a very hard time with his death because of the way it was affecting her kids. I listen and ask about how they all are coping but for me there is a huge question that I have to ask her. The two of us are already speaking in hushed tones but I lower my voice even more and ask her if I can ask her a serious question. She lets me know that she is fine with that. I proceed.
I say, kids aside, how do you feel. She let's out a huge breath and says, the day he died I no longer felt fear that he would one day come and get me. Seven years post divorce, seven years post divorce, seven years post divorce. She was married to and lived to a person that filled her with fear. That fear only ended with his demise. In our professional interactions, she is a happy, upbeat, positive, beautiful young lady. She is in a respectful and loving relationship and didn't even live in the same state as her abuser but the fear remained. This spoke volumes to me.
She was not bitter, she said she knows he loved his kids and she didn't let what happened to her in the past stop her from having a successful present and future. I think I should state once again, her ex-husband was a well-liked and respected business owner. He never went to jail for the things he did to his then wife but those things do not negate the facts that in a domestic situation he was an abuser. Domestic violence is a crime that is harder to convict for than rape. In fact, it is as under reported as rape because the victim is more likely to be disbelieved since neither, almost on a whole, do not have any witnesses; by design. The thing I will continue to say is that the victim should be given grace not judgement.
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