I can remember being about 3 or 4 years old and being with my auntie mom in Columbia. It was her, my cousins, her three kids, my sister and me. We were heading into the mall. Her youngest son is under 1 so she has to get him out of the car and the other 4 of us would be 3,4, 6,7 so we basically know to get out of the vehicle. Us older girls stand by the car and wait for my aunt to get her son out of the car before we proceed to walking towards the store. It was just a regular summer afternoon.
My aunt was a teacher, so my sister and I spent many a summer with her. I can distinctly remember an older white woman, my aunt was in her early 30's, she was maybe in her early 50's, walk up to my aunt as we begin walking towards the mall entrance and the first thing she does is smile. She then says something about how well-behaved those kids are. She thought she was giving my aunt a compliment. It wasn't another 40 years before I spoke with my aunt about that moment. She was shocked that I would even remember. She was even more shocked when I said, boy oh boy, you were so angry. She hadn't done anything that betrayed her hidden emotions I just knew that what happened was racially motivated. My aunt said, yes, I was very angry. This is something that happened 45 years ago. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. This fact is the reason I struggle so much with the mental aspects of domestic violence and abuse.
Gaslighting is one of those things that are part of the mental abuse or violence used in a domestic violence situation. Ironically, the person that abused me, mother is the person that introduced this idea to me. I did the research and even watched the movie. I was flabbergasted. The movie was such an eyeopener for me and I could then put a name to certain situations. I couldn't understand how a person could just lie. I could be holding a blue cup while simultaneously being told that it wasn't a cup but a bowl. That type of thing was actually easy to write off in my mind. I didn't understand why a person would just lie but I understood what it meant to be a liar. The times that had no direct evidence was what was a mind screw.
In the beginning of us dating, I left a pair of platform heels in his vehicle. When I remembered about them a few days later he tried to convince me that I hadn't even owned a pair of shoes like them let alone left them in his car. They were just gone. Plenty of things would disappear over the years. Every time I would ask about the item, there would be a, huh and a blank look like I was making up these things. Not only do I have excellent memory though, but I am also very anal about putting my things in their place and if someone has borrowed any of my things that they too put it back to whence it came. It is one of the only things that I am strict about. Before knowing about this gaslighting tactic I did think I was losing it. I would question myself about how I have all of the sudden, begun losing things. Oh, what a tailspin my mind would be in.
Now, almost 2 years out, I still struggle with memories during those times. I can look at a picture from a family gathering and even if I am the only one in the picture, I can remember the time leading up to that moment. I am just starting to trust my memories to tell me the truth again. The sheer amount of lies used to manipulate me are appalling to me when I look back. I know that this a characteristic that is commonly attributed to a narcisstic person. I would like to make it clear that I do not now, nor have I ever known anyone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, NPD. It is possible to have traits and not have a diagnosis. Either way, personality disorder or not, gaslighting a person is such a diabolical act. If you are new to this concept like I am then take your time to learn about it if you think it may be being done to you. Gaslighting is a huge mental distortion that takes time to straighten out once it is no longer being used. This is a good reason to stop judging survivors. Stop judging others, Stop judging and allow the healing process to be worked through. Please just stop judging.
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