tHERapy

 Because healing is a big part of what is happening in my life right now, I am going to take care of my mental health today and talk about a little bit of what I have been doing.  I realize that this will look different for everyone but there can always be something learned from someone going through the same type of things you are going through.  This is going to be a bit fragmented but here it goes.

About 5 and a half years ago, I realized that there was a major problem with my relationship.  By nature, I am an inquisitive person and I love to do research so this is where I would begin.  I basically, began to examine all aspects of myself and my partner. Doing this I realized that there was nothing loving come from him towards me. Because I don't think this can only be a one-sided issue, I start to examine myself.  My Dad drilled that into my head, examine yourself.  I set out to do just that.

Was I being loving towards my partner? This was the first question I asked myself. I was in the ways that I was allowed and able.  In fact, that year for my birthday, I received nothing. Not even a card because I didn't deserve it apparently.  I foolishly said to myself, I guess I ticked him off without knowing.  I was already in the process of planning a surprise 40th birthday party for him so to show how much I loved and appreciated him, I continued to do so. I gave him 40 birthday presents and ended up having to spill the beans about the party because he was going to do what he had been doing lately, leaving in the morning and not returning until the next morning with no communication with me as to where he was or who he was with. The day went off without a hitch.  This wasn't the first birthday party I threw for him while having gotten little to nothing for my birthday, or Christmas, or Mother's Day.  I am a minimalist so not getting things didn't bother me but not getting the thought hurt very badly.  I kept researching and asking myself questions though in an effort to improve this relationship.

Am I doing everything I can to make his time after work easy?  I cooked 4-5 days a week and I made my body available at any time. The laundry was always done, and the refrigerator was stocked along with the pantry.  The kid's homework would be done and as soon as he returned home there wasn't a deluge of problems, issues or complaints ever. I was called names for not making elaborate dinners even though it was all from scratch.  It being only a protein, a veggie and a carbohydrate made me lazy. I continued to look at myself.  Apparently, washing, drying and putting away 4 loads of clothes every couple of days was no big deal and was something that could be done by someone that was only there for a few hours a day.  This was never substantiated of course because one load of laundry from beginning to end takes at the least 2 hours but whatevs. I kept looking and asking myself questions.

What can I do to make this a better experience for myself and my partner?  Well, I needed to ask this question of him in order to get a full picture. The response was that I could do the things that I was told to do.  I was baffled because I was doing exactly what was being told to me to do.  So, I asked for clarification.  Could you maybe write down or text to me the things that will be helpful to you? No, was the response, I am not going to tell you what you need to do, you should know what to do if you are grown.  That is obviously not helpful. I don't get angry I just try little things.  With dinner maybe I will make some rolls or add more special dishes like, ribs, oxtail or steaks, in spite of me not being a beef eater.  Oh, he loves a certain dessert, and I am a fabulous baker so I will make more desserts. The more I tried the more criticism I received. I would continue, even in his anger and wrath, to be consistent and handle my wifely and motherly duties. That too is undesirable from the evidence.

After about a year and half to two years of consistent trying, including begging to go to couple's therapy to improve communication, I did give up trying to make things better. I knew there was nothing I could do because each time I make an effort to do better it leads to my being's name-called or denigrated.  This was damaging my soul, so it was not serving me any longer.  I would then begin to focus on me.  I started to see a therapist on my own.  I began doing less of my wifely duties and more of my personal duties. I never came to him in anger, but I was beyond angry. My therapist does wonders to help me in this regard.  I am able to come up with an exit plan. I think I have been clear in the past that my plan was rock solid I just didn't have the time to completely execute it and the big boom happens.  Now the realizations come and help put me onto this, more likely than not, never-ending journey.

Fulling grasping the fact that I loved a person with my whole self that from the beginning only saw me as a steppingstone. There was no love being returned to me because there was no love felt for me. There have been people who have tried to convince me that that is not true, and, in the beginning, there was love, I let them know that what that was an act to make it look like love and I have to embrace that in order to move forward.  It took about a year on the other side but I 100% understand what it was.  I don't have to lie to myself. I can't lie to myself I truly want to move forward in my life without being bitter or sad or depressed. That relationship was a failure.  I have accepted this because it is the truth. Yes, it could have still ended and been successful but the circumstances surrounding this relationship I am clear that it was a complete failure.  I have to understand that fact in order to not allow such a thing to happen in my life again. I was born to a family of fighters.  I have days where I don't want to fight and that I don't fight.  Actually, I am sure that I will have several more in the years and decades to come and I am fine with that. I am not infallible, nor would I want to be.  I am a flawed human being, and my past has taught me that in spite of those flaws I can live to survive another day. I can be happy and embody joy in the face of adversity. I pray that I never even encounter another person as that other person again but when I do, I pray to have the discernment to know and the power to let them know they are not welcome in my orbit. I want to encourage everyone to look inside and face the bad things. Knowing your weaknesses helps you to amplify your strengths.  Be encouraged and know that the healing journey isn't fast and may not end but starting it is what will allow you to move forward happily.