I have come to realize that people love to judge a person with no basis or understanding of that person's situation. I didn't always see things that way but now it's very clear. Aside from maybe, fraud, there is no other crime where the victim is blamed as quickly and as harshly as a domestic violence survivor. The lack of knowledge on the crime is what leads to this phenomenon.
Anyone, in spite of, race, age, color, level of education, lack of beauty, abundance of beauty, geographical location and so on and so forth, can become a victim of domestic violence. Being a victim doesn't mean that somehow the person isn't smart enough to leave or they are dumb for becoming a victim. The one and only factor of domestic violence that should be judged is the abuser. The most important piece of information I want to get across is that, there are no words that can be said, or any actions made that causes a victim to be abused. The abuser and their lack of self control is the only factor for abuse. It probably is very hard to control one's self when all of their energy is being poured into controlling another person. A little story time.
I am the first to admit that I allowed my need to make things good, allow me to stick around too long. I dated a young man once and he would yell at me when I expressed my feelings. Sure, that may not seem like a big deal until tippy begin putting all of the things together. Eventually, I learned of his cheating on me and he was barely apologetic but I stayed. Add to this things like leaving me in a hotel room while we were states away until the next morning with no word, and him always putting himself ahead of my wants and the small things begin to equal a really big thing.
Even though that was decades ago, he and I are cool and he has since apologized and proven to be a good friend. I asked him what was it about me that made him treat me this way? His response was, it wasn't about me but about how he felt about himself. He helped me to solidify in my mind that I wasn't the cause of the abuse, I was the means. I tell this story for a reason. There was never any physical abuse in that relationship but there was mental and emotional abuse happening.
The small things are what can eat away at your self image. The big things are easier to reconcile. The next thing I need anyone reading this to understand is that one form of abuse births another form which births another form and it all stems from control, or lack thereof. Once an abuser feels one form of abuse is no longer giving them the control they need, they move on to another form. Hence the reason that death is the final straw. Not just because it's final but because every other form of abuse stopped working so the last thing the abuser can control is whether their victim will live or die. An overwhelming amount of domestic violence deaths happen after the couple has separated. The abuser needs to exert their final act of control. I will talk more about the continued abuse after the victim has been able to put on their superhero cape and fly away from their tormentor. Please consider not judging a person's household because if you don't live in it, you have no idea what is happening in it. Healing from abuse is a long journey so don't make it harder for the survivor but blaming them.
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