Gepetto

 The saying, hindsight is 20/20 is a real thing.  Nothing is as clearer that it is true as when a person has escaped a life of being abused. There are little things that on their own may not be an issue but when they are put all together equal one big no-no.  None of the examples I am going to offer should be taken as a written rule but as something to look at with a more discerning eye. In some states these things can be used if you have proof of them as a type of abuse in your dissolution of marriage case, it is called coercive control.

Coercive control is what is used by extreme manipulators to dominate another person through intimidation, authority or force without regard for that person's desires to gain control. These are very very small acts, so they are almost imperceptible.  A couple months ago I was hanging out with my cousin. We were about to cook dinner but needed a few things from the store.  When we got there, he told me to stay in the car.  He wasn't being rude he just didn't want me to slow him down as I was still having to use a riding cart at that time. Anyone that knows me knows that I love to chew on ice. The good chewy ice.  My iron levels are perfect, I just love chewy ice.  We were at Publix so I say to him, if they have the chewy ice please get me a large cup, you will have to walk that way anyway. He gets out and returns in about 15 mins.  He has the cup of ice in his hand and then proceeds to put the cup to his lips and eats some ice then hands it to me. Of course, I say thank you then get a few pieces of ice for myself. There was no ill intent in this interaction but there was something that happened during it that with ill intent is coercive.

That example is just to show how small seeds can be planted. My cousin and I love to debate each other out of good heartedness. He says to me, the only reason I got this ice is because it's you but anyone else I don't like to be manipulated. At this point I am looking at him and interested in where this is going. He says, it's Publix so you knew they had the ice, they are known for the ice.  So just asking for the ice would have been enough but then on top of that you say, you have to walk by there anyway. You didn't have to try to manipulate me. I pause and then say, omg, I did do that.  I didn't intend to manipulate you; I really didn't even think about it. I immediately apologize because I have zero desire to control another person.  We have a conversation about manipulation, and it made me realize a few things about myself and about humans. Manipulations happen all of the time.  I believe that most of the manipulations do not have bad intentions are the need to control a person beyond a specific situation like in the case between my cousin and me. This in and of itself isn't necessarily bad. Unfortunately, when dealing with an abuser, the intent is bad and complete control is what the goal is for that person. 

There will always be a teeny, little test. I love color. In fact, red is my favorite color. I would change the color of my toes and fingernails at least once a week. It was a small thing, but it was a part of me. When I met the most recent person that would become my abuser, he acted as though my whole look was great.  I was put together very well as far as this person was telling me.  Then after maybe a couple of months, the test of the waters. I was told how much they hate colored polish. I don't think having colored toenails and fingernails are classy.  French tips are classy can you do that instead?  I don't think about it much because I had never had a French tip, so I was willing to give it a try.  I liked the way it looked so I did.  For the next, better part of a decade, my toenails and fingernails didn't see a color. When I look back, I realize that this was the first time in a long list of tests to see if they could get control over as many aspects of who I was. Sure, by itself, not a big deal, just a preference.

While I was looking back, I remembered the next little thing. I loved pajamas.  I had all types of pajamas and when I would spend the night, I would bring pajamas of course.  This wasn't a problem the first few times but then it was.  I was given a t-shirt and told when you are in my bed you wear my t-shirt to bed.  I thought oh that's cute.  Like the nail polish situation, it didn't really impact my life, so I was just making him happy. I was sure that he would do the same if I had an issue with anything with him. I thought he was perfect, so I didn't have any issues.   Welp this is the beginning of me taking accountability for the trajectory and length of the relationship.  No one is perfect and, in a relationship, there can always be compromises but a compromise happens for both parties not just dictated by one.  He was good-looking, hardworking and very talented so I didn't look at anything that needed to be changed. Oh, how blind love truly is.  Not that he wasn't those things, but he wasn't only those things. I also was good-looking, hardworking and very talented but those are the things that were then the targets of the other person to remove from me. I was too blind to acknowledge it though.

It truly doesn't take long to chip away at little things that then add up to a person's unique personality. The fact that they are such little, seemingly innocuous bits of a personality make it easy to overlook. People love to ask a survivor if they have any responsibilities in the way the relationship went and my answer to that is that I cannot control another person or their actions.  Do I bear the responsibility of my own action yes. What I know and what I want to teach others is that there is nothing that you can do or say that will cause a person to abuse you.  Being abusive is 100% the responsibility of the abuser.  Being abusive is 100% the responsibility of the abuser. Being abusive is 100% the responsibility of the abuser. Please stop judging the survivor. Asking those types of questions can be triggering and revictimizing. Please stop judging. Please stop judging. Please stop judging.  Be easy.