Capt. Hiller

Today is the 4th of July.  Here in these United States of America, that means it is Independence Day. I don't care to wax poet about how as a black person this day doesn't apply to me or that whole jazz.  I do still want to talk about being independent. I will be receiving my independence within a week and that is what I am here to talk about or share with you.

First, I need to make something very clear.  Divorce is not something to celebrate.  I will not be throwing a party, buying a cake or releasing balloons next week when I am legally free.  I was in a marriage, and it did not work out. Sure, there are several reasons as to why it did not, and I will share them at another time.  I failed, the other person failed, and the marriage failed. A marriage is only about the two people involved but a divorce is about the whole family infrastructure. 

Secondly, that marriage failing does not mean that marriage is a bad thing; that marriage was a bad thing.  I think it is crazy that someone can go and get a job and not like anything about that job and they will either stop doing their best work or just go ahead and quit and they don't really think about it once it's done.  Well, that job failed, the employee failed, and the employer failed. I have never heard one person say they will never work again because of that failure.  I have never seen someone that has never worked that job, see that employee fail to keep their job, and say, I am never going to get a job, look at what happened when Bob Blahblah got a job.  It would be nonsensical to do either of these things.

I have seen or heard people say they will not go and work for a specific company or in a specific field because of the things they have seen or heard from other people working that job or in that field. This definitely makes sense to me.  Sometimes, a person has to go through trial and error and try many different positions before finding the one.  Failing at something doesn't necessarily make you a failure.  I failed but I am not a failure.  It did take me some healing time in order for me to realize this fact though.  

Late 2020, early 2021, I was not working outside of the home, but I did ask the person I was married to several times to get a divorce. Unbeknownst to him, one of my cousins would pay for me to have a consultation with a lawyer in the spring of 2021.  Unfortunately, I was always declined and then that horrible day in November. December 7th, 2021, my lawyer filed the divorce papers with the court.  July 8th, 2024 will be the first day of a trial that will finally dissolve the marriage that failed. I have cried many a night; I have cried many a day; I have cried a whole river...in the first year or so.  The next year or so I was no longer crying but I was rejoicing.  I was loving myself and caring for myself.  I was shedding most of the false narrative that was being forced upon me for the previous 10 plus years. I have begun to blossom again.

I am gaining my independence from the tyranny of that marriage.  I will be gaining the freedom from using the last name of my abuser.  I will be gaining the freedom from the past.  I know that when I get to sign my name with my maiden surname again that means that I will never have to worry about when the divorce would happen. I will be free to be loved by a man that is healthy, healed and willing to love all of my broken pieces along with the healed parts of me.  I will be free to love the man that God created me for.  I will be free to move forward in life without having a proverbial albatross around my neck any longer.  I won't need to celebrate my Independence Day with fireworks or any preambles because the freedom is what I long for.

I do have a list of things that I plan on doing/look forward to doing, once I am free:

1.  Go to the DMV and change my license.

2.  Go to vital records and change my social security card.

3.  Send in my passport application.

4.  Call my creditors and change my name.

5.  Call my dr's offices and change my name.

6.  Alert anyone that needs to know that my last name has legally changed.

7.  Have a long awaited make out sesh with a fine black man.

8.  Have an even longer awaited sleepover with a fine black man.

9.  Go on a romantic date with a fine black man.

10. Spend time with a fine black man.

Lol, don't judge the last few entries but I am married woman without a husband.  That means I have governed myself accordingly.  I have been looking forward to allowing a man, a fine black man, to romance and love me and I am not ashamed of that.  I did not get kisses, or make out sessions or gentle touching or romance or loving for at least 7 years.  That is a long time for a person that likes to hold hands and cuddle. I am truly looking forward to allowing all of these things into my life.  Yes, my marriage failed, no I am not a failure, marriage is not a bad thing.  I am worthy of love and being loved and so are you!  I hope that if you haven't gotten to this thought about your life, if you are going through like me, that you will get there in a time that you can accept it and allow good things to happen in your life.