As I evolve and begin to deal with my self there are many things I have realized about me. I am a kind person which means that I am also nice in some regards but not in every circumstance. Unfortunately, my niceness has been dwindling a little over the past few years because it's been taken for granted and as a weakness. I feel good about this aspect of my being though. I figured out another aspect of myself that had been hard to swallow. I have tried to be kind to myself on this journey.
A little background, I am my parent's youngest child, is actually just my sister and I. I have tons of cousins in both of my parent's side, a good mix of male and female. I always tell people that I was my dad's son. I just mean that because I was his last child he taught me things that traditionally would be good things to teach a son. I love that he did that. He was always there so I always had a very positive male energy growing up. My dad was the definition of a real man and a real father. I knew he would keep me safe and take care of me. I was able to be a girl. Well, as we all know, teenagers have a tendency to rebel. I was not any different.
Once I started driving and hanging out and dating I didn't spend as much time with my dad as I had in the past. I was a pretty naive girl. My parents didn't shelter me but in a lot of ways, I lived in a bubble. People in the world do not care about you the way your family does, was a lesson it didn't take long for me to realize. I was no longer completely surrounded by positive male energy. Yes, at home I was but, during this part of life, outside influences are more important. This is when my niceness and naivety get taken advantage of unfortunately. This caused a change in me that I want aware of until recently. This is the hard part.
I have to take deep breaths to get through this. I was used and treated badly by boys and I became angered. I had to protect myself because I couldn't bring my dad everywhere so he could protect me. In my late teens to early twenties, I would come out of the gate swinging. I could still be nice but that was definitely not what you would get from me at first. Because I was carrying the hurt of being used and being cheated on and treated badly, my girl or feminine energy was barely there and I put out mostly masculine energy. My feminine entry lay dormant.
In my masculine energy, I was one of the boys. I never felt like a girl that a guy wanted to be in a relationship with and quite frankly I was okay with that. I then surrounded myself with more positive male energy and men that I knew would keep me safe. The problem with this is cyclical, I didn't get positive romantic male attention because I led with masculine energy, and I led with make energy because of the hurt I carried from being mistreated, my masculine energy kept away positive romantic masculine attention because what man wants his woman to be masculine? The cycle was real and the reason I have only been in 2 or 3 relationships. In this cycle, I was attracting men that had less masculine energy than me and they didn't feel the need to protect me and the cycle continued. Ugh, this is 30+ years later and I am only now able to look at the whole picture. Whew!
My feminine energy has been crying out for me to let it be free. I wasn't being protected and I was begging to be kept safe. All these years later still being treated badly, not being protected and kept safe and having to fight. At the young age of 46, I am tired. Becoming who I am meant to be is the toughest step I have ever had to take. Baby steps, baby steps girl!
I literally came to this piece of myself last week. 2 weeks ago, I was ignorant to the fact that I was putting this energy out that did not serve me. I am done. Let me clarify, I am not done protecting me but I am done doing it in a way that places my masculine energy as the dominant energy. There is a time and place for each but in order for me to be comfortable and to be authentic my feminine energy must be the majority. I need to be able to be vulnerable, soft, precious, cared for and protected in order to be fully who I am meant to be. I am a natural nurterer but I have to feel safe in order to be. I have already begun to release my masculine energy so I could attract positive masculine energy that will allow my feminine energy to come to the forefront and shine.
Looking at yourself is a difficult task but I can already see the positive effects in myself and you can do it also. If you need help is ok to ask for it. I'm always here so learn from me and be kind to yourself by allowing the true you to be free.
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