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What would I do?

It's been a while since I have made a confession so here it is.  This one is hard for me to speak but I know the only way to deal is to make it real so it can be put down. 

First of all I need to say that you never know how you will react to a situation until you are faced head on with that situation.  You can say how you would like to react or how you would hope to react but, there's nothing like the reality of the situation slapping you in your face. 

Just by nature I am very optimistic.  That being said I am also idealistic and realistic.  Everything can have a positive spin.  Even when you think all hope is gone there is positivity to be had.  Four years ago my house caught fire and I lost maybe 75% of my things.  I was never sad about it because there were things I was holding onto to that kept me in my past.  Well, going forward is hard when you have the past staring you down everyday.  I lost plenty but I actually gained more.

There have been so many hard situations in my life.  The thing I was always most proud of myself for, was that I never got down on myself to the point of depression or hopelessness; at least not for more than a few days.  My parents taught me to realize I would still come out on top.  So, here is my confession.

As a single mother I always worked and did everything I could to make sure my children had.  For years I was doing some freelance work and going to school.  Then came a time that I let the freelancing go to concentrate on school and as I was getting back into it I met my husband.  One thing leads to another that leads to another and I am married with four children then very soon after that, one on the way. 

Before I get married I am furiously looking for a 9-5.  Months and months of looking and barely a bite.  Then when I find out I am pregnant I slack off a bit on the search.  In the midst of this my biggest support, my daddy died.  He was the single person that ALWAYS encouraged me with truth and positivity.  Emotionally his death threw me into a tailspin.  I miss him so deeply in my heart.  He helped me through positive actions and words.  This leads me to where I am now.

I was speaking with one of my cousins and she was utterly floored by the fact that I have lost my optimistic sunny bright side disposition on hard situations.  She nor anyone else realized that I am no longer myself.  I have allowed myself to get so deep into a dark hole.  I want to work and I need to work but I have still been unable to find employment and it is thoroughly depressing.  I no longer have an easy smile or crazy laugh because my hard situation seems a bit too hard, especially without the encouragement I really need.  I know this situation will not last forever and that it will turn around.  I just had to speak my truth first so I could let it go.

Next step, take all of the good that is still in my life and let that remind me of the light I have inside.  Once I get that shining brightly again, I will know that I can get through anything and nothing is impossible when I keep Christ first.

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