I vowed to post every day for the month of October in observance of domestic violence awareness. I didn't quite make it but I don't think I failed. Well, all these weeks later I'm starting to convince myself that I didn't fail. Life was happening and in a great way. I count it all a win.
Due to a few factors I just legally can't really get into, ironically, all stemming from my own domestic violence issue, I had not had a job since July 1, 2022. October 23, 2023 that changed. The saying says when you're down to nothing, God is up to something. Thank God. I was truly down to literal pennies in my hands and negative accounts everywhere. I kept my faith. I know that sounds way too easy. I promised to always be transparent so I will tell the truth.
More nights than not, I would lay in my bed sobbing. Sobbing for my losses. Sobbing over the negative things I had to overcome. Sobbing at the knowing there were people rejoicing in my nothingness. Sobbing for the thoughts that I was the only person to blame for my current position. I could not understand how I could love so completely only to realize the object of that affection hated me so completely from the beginning. I was something, an object to obtain and destroy. Sobbing in the darkness was my new secret life.
In public, I had a smiling face while my heart was in pieces and my spirit non existent. My family, that includes my small group of friends, thought they were encouraging me by telling me I was strong and I would be alright. I love them for the encouraging words but truth be told, because of what I had survived, no one outside of myself could encourage me. I had to dig deep inside myself.
The sobbing continued, secretly, for about a year. I wasn't able to walk, due to an injury from the domestic violence, after my surgery for almost 3 months. About the time I started moving around a bit the sobbing all but ended. Weird time because I was physically still in so much pain but my soul was no longer in pain. My mind and heart were two different matters though. Almost 2 years after the last physical domestic violence incident, I still wear a brace and walk with a limp but those are temporary things. I will be back in heels by my birthday, I'm sure of it. Getting my new job has shown me that the pain in my ankle and limping aren't the only residuals from that horrible time of the domestic violence, I endured.
I have been very vocal about the fact that physical violence isn't the only domestic violence. The mental abuse is easily more damaging because you carry it in your precious mind. Your brain protects you from many a thing while it is happening but once you are out, the brain is trying to heal so it doesn't allow for as much protecting. Ugh...! I went through training no problem. I have always been pretty quick on the uptake. The residual happened when I got into the office. It hit me out of nowhere.
I had a lovely lady in the office I shadowed. The first time she let me work on my own I made a few very tiny mistakes. She kindly pointed them out and showed me how to correct them. Instantly I felt like the most worthless person on the planet. She says to me, because my face never tells a lie, you're doing great don't beat yourself up over those little things, even someone that has been doing this for years will still make those same mistakes. I had to go to the bathroom to compose myself. She was so kind and I felt like such a screw up. How could she be nice to a loser like me. When I came out of the bathroom, she once again told me you have to stop being hard on yourself and she asked me if I was ok. On my way home that day I wanted to break down and cry.
In 2019, I was the host for Thanksgiving. There were 90 people at my house and I cooked and cleaned and did well over 85% of it by myself. I have written before about how I don't even remember that day or all of the people there. I don't believe I ever told the story of the day after. First, about 2 hours before guests start to arrive, I'm simultaneously, finishing with the cooking, cleaning the hardwood floors, and setting up a grazing table. No I was not there alone. While I was literally standing at the stove waiting for the yams to candy, the other person is saying from the hall, are you going to come and finish these floors people will be here soon. Yes he could have grabbed the mop, it was sitting right there and finished, no he did not. He continued to criticize me and I asked his sister to please keep him away from me. She had just arrived to see if she could help me with anything. So back to the day after.
I don't remember the configuration but one of us were out of the house and the other person calls me and begins to tell me how the day before wasn't that great. Meanwhile, I was receiving texts and calls from many of the guests saying what a great event it was and how they had a great time. The other person however was in the phone berating me. I still remember his exact words to me, "it would have been good if you would have done things my way". I pulled off a dinner for 90 and that wasn't good enough for the other person because I did it my own way. This is only an example of the mental abuse. The almost daily reminder of how me not doing exactly what the other person wanted made me a failure. I was sitting at my new job, reminding myself that making a mistake made me a failure. That lesson was taught to me early, quickly and without fail. I told you, I'm a fast learner. That day when I returned home I was devastated. I was no longer sobbing but the hurt inside was the same. I realized I must return to therapy.
I have no idea how long the residuals last. I don't even know how to get through it when something like that pops up because, in my mind, the fact that I was bothered just reenforced that I was a loser. Right now, I take it one step at a time. I tell myself to keep breathing and then if I make a mistake I make moves to correct it and tell myself that it is ok to make mistakes and that making them doesn't make you a loser but not taking the steps to correct it are. If you are able to be encouraged by my thoughts, I'm glad. If you are at the place where you must encourage yourself, start small and build. Be easy with yourself. Be blessed!
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