A month or so ago I received a text from a friend. He and I have been friends for about 20 years. I met him through my boyfriend, at the time, and the first thing he said to me, jokingly, was, you're scary. I liked him immediately. We almost instantly, become friends.
He is aware of a lot of the things in my life. Not everything of course but enough that he checks in on me regularly. He no longer lives in the same city as me, so the check is usually in the form or a phone call or a text. I appreciate this so greatly.
About two weeks after my ankle surgery, he is checking in on my recovery and he asks me a question that was said in jest but received an answer that he said was deep. Anyone other than him I would have felt a little badly for sort of unloading on but I knew he would not be judgmental or take it negatively. This is the type of support that I needed and continue to need.
If you are unfamiliar with the recovery process of ankle surgery, ligament repair, then I will say this. There has to be minimal amount of movement and for the first couple of weeks, there are pain meds. I personally am not big on that type of medicine so i was taking them about 1 time a day, instead of the recommended 4-6 times a day. I didn't talk to anyone during those medicated times so texting was best. It may take a while for me to respond but I would only do it with a clear head.
This particular day, I receive the text asking how I am doing and if my recovery is going well. After that part of the texting, he then sends the text that inadvertently, got me thinking. It said, "Are you in your queen era"? and my response was, "I don't know what that is so probably not lol". I then say, "I'm in my masculine energy still unfortunately". He says, "Are you ok with that"? and my response is, "Not even kind of but I am very much fighting every day, so I have no choice currently". Phew, seeing it now makes me a bit anxious.
I am the type of person that likes to face things head on, even if it is uncomfortable. I begin to look inwardly to see why I would feel this way. The answer came to me almost immediately. At the age of 17 I became pregnant and had a baby. I was a senior in high school so of course I had my parents there to help and the other people that were surrounding me, but I was the parent. I had to provide, as best I could for my son. I would ask the father to help, and it was rare for the first 6 or 7 years to receive that from him. Eventually, I place him on child support, and he doesn't regularly pay but I keep doing all I can. I am fully in my masculine energy, unbeknownst to me, because I am having to raise a son.
3 years later, I have another child. Still a single parent, I am continuing to live in my masculine energy. Now might be a good time to explain, the masculine is the provider, protector. I was that now, for my children and myself. I have no idea at that age what any of this means. I don't actually have time to think about that because I am focused on my responsibilities. My feminine energy is very low if it even exists. This continues for the next 15 years. I then get to a place where I feel a little breakthrough. I meet someone.
I am still providing for and protecting my children of course but my feminine energy begins to increase the more time I spend with him. After 6 months or so, I am living in my feminine energy mostly. That was a great feeling. If I needed something he got it. If I wanted something he did it. He told me I was pretty, and he wanted to show me off. This becomes the downfall.
I then start to be looked down upon for depending on him. I was talked down to and treated like my contributions were nothing. No more feminine energy for me. Now I am back into my masculine energy with less feminine energy than before. I had my own kids but now was expected to be responsible for 2 more kids with almost as little help as being a single mother. Within 2 years, I have another kid. I must mention that by this time, my older kids are not living with us so it is this man, his two sons and then my son. When there is a behavior from one of these boys the father wholly expects me to deal with it and get them straight. The issue is that that is difficult for a woman when it is her own son she has raised from birth, it is almost impossible as a woman to do this with a child that blames you, erroneously, for their parents not being together. That is a story for another time. Masculine energy is all I know at this time.
I am currently 48 years old, and that relationship was very abusive for the better part of a decade. Being in the middle of a contentious divorce adds to the fact that I cannot live in my feminine energy. 30 years of living with minimal, and at many times no feminine energy has been difficult for me as I am sure it is for countless others. Getting divorced doesn't stop the abusive behaviors because there are still things like legal abuse and putting the child in adult conversations and situations. I need a nighttime mouthpiece because of my jaw clenching. My shoulders and my ears are good friends. My muscles are so tight and lower back pain that never ends are constants. The funny thing is that these symptoms are so much easier than all of the other health issues that I dealt with during that last decade of my life. For that I am grateful.
I do look forward to living a soft life. I don't believe that there has to be a man in the picture to live in feminine energy, but I no longer oppose the thought of another relationship in the future. I am not confident that I know how to be in feminine energy or to be soft and cuddly, but I want to have a true experience of that life. As a black woman, my having to live in my masculine energy is looked at as being aggressive or angry or any of all of the other negative adjectives applied to us but it is actually none of those things; it is having to live outside of what nature created. There are times that masculine energy is required as a woman and feminine energy is required for a man but living in these energies disproportionately is bad for health-both physical and mental. I am working on the balance and if you are having this struggle you should work on your own balance also. It is a lot of work, but I know in the end it will be worth it. Keep moving and stay positive.
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