So, hindsight is 20/20. It really is easy to see things clearly when you are on the other side. The reality is, in the moment, the signs are there, it's just so difficult to read them with your heart. Once you are on the other side, your heart is no longer trying to read so it becomes more clear. 2020 has shown me this very clearly.
I was a bit down when the year came in because I had a tradition that was crapped on by someone else. It was so easy for them to stomp on it that my eyes opened a little and my heart closed a little. Lesson taken; time to go forward. In came February and my spirit perked up because I enjoy getting older. I was turning 45 and I couldn't wait. I was hired in a position I enjoyed with a company that was terrific and my co-workers were nice people. Now, my plan can take form. Rebuilding me!
I started taking care of some debt. I hadn't had bad credit even 5 years earlier but I allowed a few things to happen and I had to get back on track. I was doing just that when March crept in. I was coming up on my 60 day probation ended at my new job. My insurance and benefits paperwork was filed and our state shut down, essentially. That took the air out of my sails and put my credit plan on halt. Well, April and May, I'm in the house, all day, every day. June, my oldest son tells me he is going to be a father. I was sitting there crying like a baby. The next month, that same son tells me of his plan to surprise his girlfriend with a marriage proposal. I am once again, overjoyed. The proposal takes place in August and it was simply lovely save, the robbery and the inappropriate sexual advances. I was happy. 6 months in, still no signs of my employer opening their doors and where I had previously been furloughed, I was then laid-off. I still feel pretty good; unless you count the fact that on several occasions I thought I was dying. I began having massive anxiety attacks. I was depressed also. All of these things were new to me and it got me hard. Change is scary.
I started seeing a therapist and I took meds for about 2 weeks before I realized something else was wrong. September found me visiting the er and learning I had pneumonia and covid-19. Ugh, this could not be helpful for my anxiety and depression. I was sick the whole month of September. I could barely do anything. I slowly started to regain my strength and started hanging breathing issues again. Hi, October, back to the er I went. This time I have bronchitis and a respiratory infection. Yep, my anxiety and the depression are a daily battle.
My breathing gets to a point where I could take a couple of hours of Albuterol and be alright. Then I have a dream and when I awake I know exactly what I have to do. I call my oldest son and pitch him an ideal for a podcast. He loves the idea and we begin working on it together. The anxiety was still there but it was only on occasion. The symptoms from the depression were lifting also. I was starting to see me again. Not only did I begin to see me, I had a few cousins tell me how much they missed me. At first I was perplexed about that because I stick close to my family and then I realized, they missed the whole me that I had been neglecting.
I missed me too. I had almost become an automoton. I barely talked, smiled or laughed any more. I usually didn't joke around either and as I stay reemerging I remember that I am hilarious. My friends and family are as relieved as I am about my return. I now have a precious little granddaughter and I feel stronger in me than I have in a very long time. I am super excited about what is to come next in my life. I see a couple of really big changes happening and I'm scared for them but I'm more scared of losing me again. My eyes are seeing now and even though I still use my heart heavily, I stopped trying to use it to see.
It's 2021, the bs is done!
Comments
Post a Comment