Skip to main content

Face-off

Hello, hello, hello.  I know it has been a long time.  I have sat down so many times to write.  I have several posts sitting in draft.  I would write something fun and light and then feel guilty because of the state of the world.  Then I would write something a little more aimed towards what was happening in my world and I felt angry.  I would then write about something broad and not too heavy, not too light but wasn't polarizing or me getting on a soapbox about anything, you guessed it I felt some sort of way.  One day I will post the ones that are sitting in the draft folder but not today.  Today I would like to talk about identity.

For the first maybe 20 years of my life I was known as either, Sybil or Nicki. That was terrific.  I was my own person, I was called by my name.  Of course the irony of those days of my life is that I had no idea who I was aside from being my parents kid, a student, a little girl.  My inner self was not known to me.  Back then I always heard that awareness would come at around the age of 25. I couldn't wait.  

Well, a curious thing happened on my way to 25, I became a couple of people's mom. Then I am no longer  called by my name but I am either, ma, mommy or their mom.  I didn't really think to much of it, I just answered to any of the names.  I was discovering whos I was but I couldn't do that wholly, as I was a single parent so I needed to be able to pour things into them.  I fed the inner me a bit but not a whole lot.  Well they say that 35 is a great year for awareness. Here I come, I thought to myself.

Thirty-five came and I knew completely what I was meant to do for my life.  I was well on the journey to doing that, my kids were in high school and I could focus a bit more on building my inner self.  Then I meet a man and get married.  I always joked about only being called Mrs. when I got married. Well that happened and I actually then became known as someone's wife.  Of course all of the other names come along but this one is then in the forefront...fine.  40 years old is all about stepping into who you are from what I hear. Step, step, step, step.

Oops, I did it again. Now I am a whole new set of people's parent and mom comes back in full force.  He wants me to be known by other people as Mother of Jordan all thanks to DJ Khaled. I say to myself,   dang, who am I now.  I need my own identity.  Turns out,  that is just a pipedream. At the age of 45, I will soon have a whole new name.

My next name will be NiNi.  Yep I will then be someone's grandmother.  I will however go by NiNi not grandma or any version of that hateful moniker.  This December will offer me the opportunity to get a completely different identity and I am as okay with that one as I am with all of the others that I am still carrying.  As a woman I know that my identity is wrapped around those that I love and that fits me just fine because I can still be who I was meant to be while being who I need to be.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Whitney already told you

 Today I just knew that I needed to write a post.  Sometimes I know what I am going to write before I start, and then other times, I'm just winging it. There are plenty of things on my mind and I still don't know what my topic of the day will be. That is until I know what it is going to be. I look at the people in my life every day.  No, not physically but logically and some of the time emotionally. I come to the same realization every time.  First off, there is no such thing as coincidence, in my opinion. I believe that the family you are born into is based on many things, but it is never a mistake.  When you meet your friends, lovers and others, it is for a divine reason.  All things work for the good.  Not some of the time; all of the time. Now let me be clear, two things can and are usually true at the same time.  You can have a happy life and feel joy while still feeling sad over certain situations. The reverse can also be true where in you f...
Post a Comment
Read more

Cafe Bustelo with a little cream

 I don't even think there is a phrase that describes the feeling that I currently have about my life.  It has been approximately, a year and a half since I have last shared.  The truth is that I have barely even written anything beyond a text message in that time.  For a while I called it writer's block but now, I know that is not a true assessment. The truth is more emotion and far-reaching than that would connote. When last we spoke I believe I was legally ending the worse chapters of my life.  Now, this is not to say that some good times were not had in that more than decade of my life, but the bad times definitely outweighed the good ones.  The lessons were a multitude with nary a time to rest really.  I am good with the knowledge of this at this point.  There has to be bad in order to enjoy the good; the night must fall in order for the sun to rise; there would be no way to turn left if you didn't have the option of turning right.  You g...
Post a Comment
Read more

True Confession!

I have a confession to make. It's funny because telling a secret or making a confession is a very hard thing yet once it's done that weight has been lifted and you feel a little lighter. That being said confession is just good for the soul. I know that the devil is trying his best to keep me from obtaining my destiny and this confession is getting ready to shame him because he is a liar and he will not kill or destroy me. I am taking back the power I gave him in this situation. I just had a birthday and I turned 36. I love when my birthday comes around. This year was no difference. Actually, it was a lot better than it has been in years. Partially because I spent my day getting to know a new person in my life but mostly because I have been getting to know myself. This is my real-life confession. I didn't begin to feel good about myself until I was in my 30's--I was around 32 actually. I had the most negative self-talk a person could have. My self-esteem and self-imag...
Post a Comment
Read more