Positively unpostive!

I have a mission in life.  It was given to me by my God and I have begun to accept that I can no longer run from it.  Accepting that thing is hard. 

Being true to who I am supposed to be is a painful journey; well at least mentally,  emotionally and spiritually. I haven't by any stretch of the imagination led a particularly interesting life. Just like many other people,  I have done some good and I have done some bad. I haven't always been proud of my actions.

In fact, I used to have a terrible temper and if I felt I or a family member was being wronged I could flip very quickly. When my dad was angry he was in control but his usually light colored eyes would turn dark and you would feel a chill.  I like imagine that I would evoke that same appearance when angered. Alas, it's probably not true given the fact that I am barely able to raise my voice through yelling. I say that I am more calm in my 40's than my 20's. Don't test me though.

That being said,  I am a person who loves to laugh and have good conversation and a good time.  In the past few years I had lost these aspects of myself. Looking in the mirror it looked like me until I gazed into my own eyes.  I knew first hand what those eyes have witnessed and in those moments, my reflection caused my reflections.

I was able to acknowledge the pain and suffering I had gone through up to that point.  Yep,  I was raised by both of my parents. I grew up in suburbia, america.  I was book and street smart.  I had family vacations and a great extended family.  The fallacy is that a person growing up under the favorable conditions I did doesn't have any idea about hurt,  hate and pain.  Don't fall for that non truth.

What you must remember and something I remind myself of, is the sun shines on both sides of the street and it rains on the good and the bad. Even a clock that is broken is right twice a day.  That means a good person has bad things that happen.   It also means that in order for a person to have good they must also have bad, and if you catch a completely broken person at the right time of the day, they appear to be in total working condition. These things are absolute and I was already aware of these things, I just didn't practice what I knew.

I have beaten myself.  I have been beaten up by others and it's ok.  I know it's not to my destruction and that the only way to give birth, thanks to Eve and Adam, is through the labor. I am giving birth to the me that I am meant to be. 

My mother was the first to be pregnant with who I am to be for the 8 months she carried.  Once she labored and birthed me, I read then impregnated with the fact that who I was to become was already decided. This hasn't been a short process and I am good with that, now. 

I must help others get through the hurt, pain,  feelings of being inept, inadequate and just downright inexplicably being taken of complete advantage.  I can encourage, help and guide because at one point in life I have also been in and gotten through those things.  I don't mind transparency. I am basically an open book.  I honestly am frightened but that's a good thing.  I would have never chosen this.  I was an extremely shy person, with low self esteem and but by the grace of God I am on the other side.  Most days at least.